WEBVTT

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music

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music

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Oh, and I'm bi I casually and nervously said to my best friend 

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during our conversation about our plans to go

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to the Escape nightclub in downtown Portland. Her face

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had a blank expression. The words

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I was kind of caught off-guard. I was expecting

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some type of reaction, good or bad. Just some type

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of reaction. After working up the courage

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to tell my aunt who also identifies as bi, my two best friends here

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at WOU, and my two best friends back at home, I knew it was about

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time to start telling more people. Every person I told,

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every person I saw recognize and accept me

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helped me lift a weight off my shoulders.

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And it felt great. Now,

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let me take you back to November 7th,

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We are three months into Fall term, and I'm in a

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new place. I've made new friends, and I want them to know who I am.

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I asked everyone I lived with to meet me in the living room

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for a special announcement. I put on a video clip

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from the show Crazy Ex-Girlfriend called 'getting bi.

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And I showed the video to everyone in my hall.

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I also love to bake; for those of you who know me, you know it's like an obsession.

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So I baked cupcakes with the

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colors blue pink and purple frosting on them. I explained to them

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what each color represented and how, together, these colors

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created a symbol of just a piece of who I am.

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Now, with all honesty, I did not

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purposely choose to come out the day before the so-called

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ugh. That whole week

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was just an extreme emotional roller-coaster. I went from

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being happy about coming out to being nervous, to being angry, to feeling

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uneasy around certain people. I was just a mess.

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It is difficult enough being a black woman in this country

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and in this small town, let alone identify as a black

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bisexual woman. Now, I titled this monologue

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cross the biggest threshold of my life, and that's coming out to 

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my family. Which probably won't

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happen for a little while longer. We'll see.

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Over Spring Break I had dinner with my close relatives

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at my great-grandmother's house. We started talking about recent movies we

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had seen, hadn't seen, and wanted to see.

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The conversation 

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geared towards the movie Moonlight. My grandmother

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not really understanding the

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time that we now live in, says 'hey,

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you all seen that movie, what's the name of that picture,

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Moonlight. Have you all seen that? That picture is about a black

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man who's gay. Can you believe that?' My thirty-something year old

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cousin and great aunt agreed with her. I wasn't

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surprised at their reaction. These are the same family members that

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cringe at every gay scene and their favorite show is Empire and

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Game of Thrones.

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Whew.

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Yeah. Just thinking about this kind of upsets me a little,

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and these lights are hella hot.

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Although I hadn't seen the movie yet, I knew what it was about.

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So I decided to lie and pretend like I had seen it.

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I said. Before I could respond with a rebuttal, I quickly changed the subject

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to July birthdays, because, well, in my family we have a lot of July

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babies. Like, a lot.

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do something big for my 22nd birthday,' I said. I didn't want

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to give them time to respond or restate their opinion on the movie.

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After that, it was clear to me that I would not

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be able to tell them about my ex-girlfriend or about the woman

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who broke my heart over Thanksgiving break. I would have to continue

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hiding a part of who I am. A part of me that

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I had already begun to share with the world. Oh, look,

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more weight's coming back on my shoulder. That's fun.

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What I have learned about my coming out

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journey is that I can't continue to worry about what people think.

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If anyone - and I do mean anyone; peers, family

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members...presidents...vice presidents - 

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has a problem with who I am,

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a black bi and panromantic woman,

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then they can get to stepping out of my life, because I don't have

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time for this. I don't.

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I guess my greatness just must be a triple threat.

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applause

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music

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I look in the mirror and I see a boy. But you look at me and see a girl. I'm only

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five and I don't understand this. No one's explaining anything.

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I feel different, and in public I follow the rules you have given me.

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I stand in line with the girls and I use the bathroom

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I'm supposed to. But I'm go home and I'm the boy I feel inside.

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I dreamt one day I'd get to be the man I knew I was, but that

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confused child only turned into a lost teenager.

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All my friends are wearing makeup and dressing differently.

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Is this what I'm supposed to do? I conform.

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I stand back looking in the mirror, unsure of the person

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staring back. They feel foreign to me. But this is what everyone

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expects from me, right? My dad already hates that I like

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women. I can't disappoint him even more. The other kids

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throw rocks at me and tell me I'm going to hell. I'm scared to be

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gay. I can't be any more different. No one will love me.

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I slowly slip away. I lose my identity.

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My mom is so happy whenever we go dress shopping.

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But can't she see how miserable I am? I look

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awkward. I feel like a man in a dress. But can't

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she see? Look at her smiling at me. So proud

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of her daughter. Every day I do what is expected of me.

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I thought this was who I was.

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But one day I met a woman who dressed like a man.

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So I changed my wardrobe. I cut off my hair.

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But later that day

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while I was standing in my room, my dad walked by.

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He took one look at me and disappointment stretched across

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his face. He looked at me and asked what I had done.

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I simply shrugged my shoulders and said 'cut off my hair.

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He turned right around and he

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left for the bar. In that moment I knew he would never

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accept who I was but I couldn't let that hold me back from being true to myself.

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I have the body shape of a boy. When I'm out in public, I'm

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constantly gendered as male. When entering a

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woman's bathroom, I get kicked out, but it never offended me.

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It actually made me happy.

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I was a boy. I just didn't know how to say it, or what that even looked

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like to the rest of the world. I began to be asked if I

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wanted to be a boy. No, this was never a want.

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Or some fantasy of mine. I didn't want to be anything but Sam.

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Why can't I just be Sam?

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I began to accept that I was a woman who dressed like

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a man, but puberty did not agree. I grew breasts and hips,

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I couldn't even look at myself anymore. My body betrayed me.

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It crushed me.

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Then one Christmas as we all sat around playing Family Feud, something

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unexpected happened. My dad called me a boy.

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A man who has never acknowledged my sexuality, who

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ran off to a bar when I cut my hair off, someone who cringed any

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time I was gendered as male just called me a boy?

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I cried for weeks. I hated him.

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But today I thank him. After that night, I researched what it meant to be trans.

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And today I look in the mirror and I see a man I am proud of.

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My dad may never understand me or properly gender me,

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but today I get to be the man of my dreams, and no one will ever hold that back from me.

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applause

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music

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In some respects, I was an early bloomer.

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Or maybe more appropriately, an early explorer.

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As a younger child to an overachieving older sister, I couldn't

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hold a candle to her grades and excelling at all of her

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shared interests with our mom. To differentiate myself,

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and maybe acting out in response to my parent's divorce and my mom's

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strict rules, I rebelled and I rebelled hard.

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Plus, I was bored. In our quiet, Northern Virginia

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suburb, I was sneaking alcohol, experimenting with drugs,

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and engaging in sex with boys, all by age fourteen.

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Years later, six to be exact, I was in my final year

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of college, having had many encounters and relationships with the opposite

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sex. I knew very little of homosexual culture, and few gay

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people, as it was a time of much deeper closets than today.

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My world would soon be shattered when I fell in love with my best friend.

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But before I get into that...sometime when I was partway

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through college, my perfect, good-grade-getting, rule-abiding,

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close-with-mom older sister came out to me as a lesbian.

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I wasn't really shocked, nor was I curious.

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I simply thought to myself, that's fine, as long as I

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don't have to see it. Over time I would visit her,

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and if she was dating someone, see it I would. Shudder.

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And despite my obvious homophobia,

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all was pretty fine. Until our mom found out.

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My mom, you should know, is liberal. She's always

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voted democrat. She has walked pro-choice marches in 

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Washington, DC, many times; still protests NRA headquarters.

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And she encouraged my activism for social justice causes.

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She herself went through the ringer with her

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conservative Christian parents when she and my father were divorced.

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Yet, no one could truly predict how she would react to the

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news of her favorite daughter being gay.

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As it turns out, not well. On the phone to my sister,

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she spoke the unthinkable words. 'You are no longer

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my daughter. My sister's heart was broken.

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My outrage was inflamed. I fought endlessly with mom.

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I vowed not to return home for holidays unless my sister

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too was welcome. I wrote my college women's studies papers on this

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ultimate injustice and mailed them to my mom, knowing they would

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probably never be read.

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And then came Cathlyn. We met on a summer study abroad trip

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to Europe, in between our Junior and Senior years. It was months afterwards,

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back on native soil, when we started to realize that maybe our

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friendship was something more. Cathlyn's long-distance boyfriend

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visited for a weekend, and I lost my shit, acting like

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a jealous buffoon, though no one really knew why, including myself.

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Sooner or later, we came to terms with the fact that we had

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fallen in love. But what was I to do?

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I knew that if I 'chose' this path,

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accepted this lifestyle as my fate, I was choosing

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to lose my own mother.

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I was unhinged.

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Depressed. Even suicidal for a brief moment.

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And then it hit me, that very same

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mother had done a really good job of raising a strong, independent woman.

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There was no way I could choose between her

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and my happiness. The choice was made for me.

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I had to accept and explore this new part of me, because my life depended on it.

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It was many months later that my mom learned of my relationship.

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I had moved home temporarily after graduation, and my mom

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found a letter from Cathlyn in my room.

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She lost it. She said that I should have known better.

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She yelled that I should have known this was the one thing

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she could not accept. More unthinkable words poured

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from my mother's mouth. 'As fast as you can pack your

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bags and get out, do so. It was a rough

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few years, but eventually my mom came around.

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She and my sister are close again, and she attended my wedding several years back.

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She never ends a phone call.

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She never ends a phone call without sending her love

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to my wife. More than twenty five years later, and all

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is indeed fine.

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applause

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music

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Everything happens in Valsetz.

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I made my first group of friends during pancake night in Valsetz. I filled out my first ballot in Valsetz.

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And Valsetz is where I first encountered the breakfast item ambrosia that is

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skillet. Yes. Valsetz is also where

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I came out to my best friend for the first time, and later where I 

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came out to the first member of my family, my mom.

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I wouldn't really be surprised if other people in the vicinity also found out that day.

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I was sobbing and I wasn't really paying attention to my volume.

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The fact that I was sobbing also meant that it marked the first time I cried

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in Valsetz. My mom was fine with it, though.

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So was my dad, and my brother, as was everyone

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else at the time. Of course, that was then. The coming out

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process is ongoing, and even if the beginning of the story doesn't have rough

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patches, don't assume that the sailing is smooth afterwards.

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Storms are everywhere and seldom give warning before they

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strike. They can even come in the form of seemingly-harmless, yet

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highly uninformed jokes. 'You're the straightest gay person I know.

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No, I didn't grow up in an environment where I was

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actively learning about or living my African American heritage, but don't

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assume that I don't take pride in my racial identity, or that racism in its many

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facets haven't shaped my experiences.

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No, I didn't come out until the age of 19,

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but don't assume that I don't take pride in my sexuality, or that I wasn't affected

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by the homophobic in which I was forced to exist.

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No, I didn't have a level of education growing up that would have landed me

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on the track of a doctor or lawyer, but don't assume that I'm unintelligent

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or won't possess opportunities in life that will make me happy, because

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happy is what I am. Happy, healthy, and humble. 

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I am the sum of my experiences and I wouldn't want anyone to feel sorry

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for me because the only person I wish to be is the one who exists today.

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Of course, I used to be in the state of mind where I would

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wish that I could be straight, but don't assume that it's because I thought

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being straight was better. I was scared. I'm still scared.

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We went from what looked like to the beginning of a prosperous new era

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of marriage equality to that hope being whisked away with one

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national announcement. I am fortunate enough to have formed

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a relationship and I am so thankful for my boyfriend, but don't assume that

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I don't fear for our safety when we hold hands in public.

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I can still remember being told that I shouldn't attend my middle school at

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the time if they taught us it was okay to like someone of the same sex during sex ed.

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It didn't help that I was a shy, introverted, homosexual,

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mixed-race middle schooler who was a people-pleaser and didn't like to rock the boat.

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Being able to come out is still astonishing to me.

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It was late enough in life that I feel ashamed for waiting, but

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early enough that I won't be haunted by regret until the end of my time.

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And don't ask 'how long have you known you were gay?' Not to me or

00:18:04.000 --> 00:18:08.000
to anyone else.

00:18:08.000 --> 00:18:12.000
What does it matter to you? Don't assume that knowing that piece of information

00:18:12.000 --> 00:18:16.000
will help you put yourself in my shoes. Since the coming-out process

00:18:16.000 --> 00:18:20.000
is ongoing and can be such a difficult one, it would be great if those of us

00:18:20.000 --> 00:18:24.000
undertaking that journey could be met with validation instead of interrogation.

00:18:24.000 --> 00:18:28.000
And, no, I don't think it's funny when you say, 'you're the straightest

00:18:28.000 --> 00:18:32.000
gay person I know,' or 'you're the whitest black person I know.

00:18:32.000 --> 00:18:36.000
Don't assume that tasteless stereotyping is the

00:18:36.000 --> 00:18:40.000
premise for a good joke. It's degrading. Just be supportive

00:18:40.000 --> 00:18:44.000
and validating. Sexuality lies on a spectrum, and even if

00:18:44.000 --> 00:18:48.000
I identify as homosexual now, that should say nothing about me understanding

00:18:48.000 --> 00:18:52.000
myself better months from now and identifying as bisexual, pansexual,

00:18:52.000 --> 00:18:56.000
heterosexual, asexual, or any other identity that better expresses who I am.

00:18:56.000 --> 00:18:60.000
Don't assume that once someone

00:19:00.000 --> 00:19:04.000
comes out as a certain sexuality that they somehow lose their ability to further

00:19:04.000 --> 00:19:08.000
explore and redefine. Here's a though. Let's stop

00:19:08.000 --> 00:19:12.000
allowing for this normative sexuality that welcomes discrimination

00:19:12.000 --> 00:19:16.000
and further intersectionality. It's this heteronormative culture that

00:19:16.000 --> 00:19:20.000
makes coming out an ongoing process. I'm tired of it.

00:19:20.000 --> 00:19:24.000
But don't assume I'm weak or giving up. I don't need or want

00:19:24.000 --> 00:19:28.000
the constant pitiful acception.

00:19:28.000 --> 00:19:29.000
applause

00:19:29.000 --> 00:19:33.000
music

00:19:33.000 --> 00:19:36.000
My life has always been a lie.

00:19:36.000 --> 00:19:40.000
I've lied to myself and the people I've been around for most of my life.

00:19:40.000 --> 00:19:44.000
This affects my identity and I've never known what the true 'me' is.

00:19:44.000 --> 00:19:48.000
I'm angry and negative and having to suppress and keep

00:19:48.000 --> 00:19:52.000
the lies going. From the age of four,

00:19:52.000 --> 00:19:56.000
I have had gender dysphoria. I did not like dressing

00:19:56.000 --> 00:19:60.000
in boy's clothes. I wanted long hair, and I hated my

00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:04.000
male parts to the point of self mutilation.

00:20:04.000 --> 00:20:08.000
As a child, I would sneak in and put on my mother's clothes and makeup,

00:20:08.000 --> 00:20:12.000
and I'd fear I'd get caught. I was afraid of being rejected by my family

00:20:12.000 --> 00:20:16.000
and friends. I grew up in a small, conservative town, and it was not

00:20:16.000 --> 00:20:20.000
until I was twelve that I even heard of gay people.

00:20:20.000 --> 00:20:24.000
My father was a farmer, and even though he was not religious, he was set

00:20:24.000 --> 00:20:28.000
in his ways. I was twenty years old when I first

00:20:28.000 --> 00:20:32.000
sought help. I went to a psychologist in portland and I told him that I was

00:20:32.000 --> 00:20:36.000
transgender. That was the very first person I told.

00:20:36.000 --> 00:20:40.000
But, as fate would have it, I got in an accident on the way home and I totaled

00:20:40.000 --> 00:20:44.000
my car. This ended my first attempt at getting help.

00:20:44.000 --> 00:20:48.000
For years after this I had a hole in my life.

00:20:48.000 --> 00:20:52.000
I felt empty, as if I was missing something. I forced myself

00:20:52.000 --> 00:20:56.000
to seek companionship. I found a person that I liked, and we got married,

00:20:56.000 --> 00:20:60.000
some years later, without her knowing that I was transgender.

00:21:00.000 --> 00:21:04.000
This negatively affected the relationship.

00:21:04.000 --> 00:21:08.000
It seemed like my lie always kept me from getting close to anyone.

00:21:08.000 --> 00:21:12.000
Even though we were married, I was not romantically or sexually

00:21:12.000 --> 00:21:16.000
attracted to her, and after some years she had had

00:21:16.000 --> 00:21:20.000
enough of my inability to love and my inadequacy as a romantic partner.

00:21:20.000 --> 00:21:24.000
This was when I sought help for the second time.

00:21:24.000 --> 00:21:28.000
I found a therapist in Salem this time, but I found him to be of

00:21:28.000 --> 00:21:32.000
no help. I then pushed it back and I went on with

00:21:32.000 --> 00:21:36.000
my life. I met another woman that I've been with for eleven years.

00:21:36.000 --> 00:21:40.000
She knows that I'm transgender but she's not

00:21:40.000 --> 00:21:44.000
supportive and she's threatening to leave me. I don't blame her,

00:21:44.000 --> 00:21:48.000
since I was not honest in the first place. She fell in love with the male

00:21:48.000 --> 00:21:52.000
part of me. This is hard because she hates something that is part

00:21:52.000 --> 00:21:56.000
of my identity. At forty,

00:21:56.000 --> 00:21:60.000
the dysphoria has become stronger. I've gone to counselling

00:22:00.000 --> 00:22:04.000
to try and suppress it but that doesn't work. I've gone to counselers

00:22:04.000 --> 00:22:08.000
supportive of transitioning, but this does not work with my non-supportive

00:22:08.000 --> 00:22:12.000
life partner. I don't want to lose my family over being

00:22:12.000 --> 00:22:16.000
something that, at times, I resent.

00:22:16.000 --> 00:22:20.000
I've told my mother about being transgender and she's taken it well.

00:22:20.000 --> 00:22:24.000
But it seems, as usual, that I'm still living the lie.

00:22:24.000 --> 00:22:28.000
I want to have the courage to tell everyone.

00:22:28.000 --> 00:22:32.000
But this could cost me my family.

00:22:32.000 --> 00:22:36.000
But is living the lie better, and is living with this anger any better?

00:22:36.000 --> 00:22:40.000
Having someone that I love resent

00:22:40.000 --> 00:22:44.000
a part of me hurts. My partner

00:22:44.000 --> 00:22:48.000
rejects everything that I do that makes her think of me as transgender.

00:22:48.000 --> 00:22:52.000
I have to hide this aspect of me, and I am tired of hiding it.

00:22:52.000 --> 00:22:56.000
I am tired of hiding.

00:22:56.000 --> 00:22:60.000
applause

00:23:00.000 --> 00:23:02.000
applause

00:23:02.000 --> 00:23:06.000
music

00:23:06.000 --> 00:23:12.000
I squeezed Shannon's hand and held it to my lap because I knew if I let go,

00:23:12.000 --> 00:23:16.000
she'd go and punch someone, and more importantly I'd be right there with her.

00:23:16.000 --> 00:23:20.000
Slap. Another rain of

00:23:20.000 --> 00:23:24.000
Smuckers strawberry jelly and Skippy peanut butter came from the adjacent

00:23:24.000 --> 00:23:28.000
table. I looked back as another chunk of sandwich hit the chair of a friend

00:23:28.000 --> 00:23:32.000
who was brave enough to continue sitting with us. Slap.

00:23:32.000 --> 00:23:36.000
The freshman boys wore bulky,

00:23:36.000 --> 00:23:40.000
flat-bottom shoes that were only cool enough if they were lose enough

00:23:40.000 --> 00:23:44.000
to slip off at every step. The table of freshman boys

00:23:44.000 --> 00:23:48.000
had always been quiet in my opinion. I wasn't sure why they decided today

00:23:48.000 --> 00:23:52.000
was a good day to throw food. Slap.

00:23:52.000 --> 00:23:56.000
I turned back to our table and muttered some agreement

00:23:56.000 --> 00:23:60.000
to the suggestion of ignoring this hormone-induced stupidity.

00:24:08.000 --> 00:24:12.000
I squeezed her hand again. We knew being together

00:24:12.000 --> 00:24:16.000
would not be easy, however I hadn't expected our first day out as a

00:24:16.000 --> 00:24:20.000
couple would go so horribly wrong. Slap.

00:24:20.000 --> 00:24:24.000
This is why we had stayed in the closet as long

00:24:24.000 --> 00:24:28.000
as we did. Good job, Idaho.

00:24:28.000 --> 00:24:32.000
I cringed at how well a sound those sandwich chunks could make.

00:24:32.000 --> 00:24:36.000
A friend caught in the line of fire discovered a chunk of

00:24:36.000 --> 00:24:40.000
PB&J had landed beneath her as she was sitting.

00:24:40.000 --> 00:24:44.000
The laughs that erupted from the table behind us sounded like

00:24:44.000 --> 00:24:48.000
crows cawing on a telephone wire: sharp and

00:24:48.000 --> 00:24:52.000
taunting. I stood up and motioned to the closest friend,

00:24:52.000 --> 00:24:56.000
Crystal, to follow me. We walked the expanse of the

00:24:56.000 --> 00:24:60.000
lunchroom, searching for any type of authority we could find.

00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:04.000
Nothing. We went to the main office and walked directly 

00:25:04.000 --> 00:25:08.000
into the room of the only female vice principal we had.

00:25:08.000 --> 00:25:12.000
My voice shook as I told her what the boys were doing. 'You need to do something now

00:25:12.000 --> 00:25:16.000
or we will have a fight,' I said, and I watched her stand and

00:25:16.000 --> 00:25:20.000
mutter into her walkie-talkie to the principle.

00:25:20.000 --> 00:25:24.000
We watched as she went to the group of boys, said a few words, and

00:25:24.000 --> 00:25:28.000
walked away as he boys left the lunchroom. Nothing else was said

00:25:28.000 --> 00:25:32.000
about the incident. 

00:25:32.000 --> 00:25:35.000
The girl sitting behind me made really convincing gagging noises.

00:25:35.000 --> 00:25:40.000
They were making these horrid noises behind me in English class about one year

00:25:40.000 --> 00:25:44.000
after the PB&J incident. It was Wear Rainbow Day for the

00:25:44.000 --> 00:25:48.000
GSA I was trying to start, and I was trying to decide which character

00:25:48.000 --> 00:25:52.000
in The Crucible would be the one to wear the rainbow smock.

00:25:56.000 --> 00:25:60.000
the girl's bathroom conversations I overhear at lunch. Usually

00:26:00.000 --> 00:26:04.000
they're talking about how many calories chewing celery would burn.

00:26:08.000 --> 00:26:12.000
They make more noises I'm only used to hearing from them in the bathroom

00:26:12.000 --> 00:26:16.000
between counting calories. I grab the sides of my desktop

00:26:16.000 --> 00:26:20.000
to keep myself from turning around. 'Fuck fags,'

00:26:20.000 --> 00:26:24.000
is etched into the wood surface of my desk. My thumb

00:26:24.000 --> 00:26:28.000
traces the letters and my eyes cloud.

00:26:28.000 --> 00:26:32.000
Goddamn hormones, you're really going to make me cry today?

00:26:32.000 --> 00:26:36.000
Crying in school is absolutely the worst.

00:26:40.000 --> 00:26:44.000
Somehow my hands had stopped holing on to my desk,

00:26:44.000 --> 00:26:48.000
and I turn around and made eye contact as all of this anger

00:26:48.000 --> 00:26:52.000
spilled out of my eyes. They both looked at me,

00:26:52.000 --> 00:26:56.000
kind of confused, but closed their mouths. I turned

00:26:56.000 --> 00:26:60.000
back around and willed the class to be over. 

00:27:00.000 --> 00:27:04.000
I found out later that day from a friend that the two gagging girls had asked

00:27:04.000 --> 00:27:08.000
her why I had started crying in class. 'You know Gabby is

00:27:08.000 --> 00:27:12.000
gay, right?' she'd said. Their jaws

00:27:12.000 --> 00:27:16.000
had dropped and they began practicing their favorite sound effect again.

00:27:20.000 --> 00:27:24.000
the other said and pulled the other one away from them. The next

00:27:24.000 --> 00:27:28.000
class I turned around in my desk as those gagging girls walked in.

00:27:28.000 --> 00:27:32.000
I smiled warmly at the one that sat directly behind me.

00:27:36.000 --> 00:27:40.000
and forced my eyes to rome slowly down her brand new

00:27:40.000 --> 00:27:44.000
tank top and professionally torn jeans.

00:27:44.000 --> 00:27:48.000
Then back up to her over-lined eyes.

00:27:52.000 --> 00:27:56.000
applause

00:27:56.000 --> 00:27:60.000
I bit my lip again and turned around in my seat to grin at myself

00:28:00.000 --> 00:28:04.000
in triumph. I heard a pin and a jaw drop

00:28:04.000 --> 00:28:08.000
behind me and I haven't stopped smiling since.

00:28:08.000 --> 00:28:10.000
applause

00:28:10.000 --> 00:28:14.000
music

00:28:14.000 --> 00:28:20.000
I knew even at an early age that something was very different about me.

00:28:20.000 --> 00:28:24.000
Not understanding what it was didn't dismiss the fact that I was aware of it.

00:28:24.000 --> 00:28:28.000
As I grew older, I recognized that I was attracted to men. Most boys my

00:28:28.000 --> 00:28:32.000
age had their crushes on Daisy Duke. Mine was on the Bowflex

00:28:32.000 --> 00:28:36.000
guy and other male fitness models.

00:28:36.000 --> 00:28:40.000
But this just couldn't be. I can't be gay.

00:28:40.000 --> 00:28:44.000
I was in the popular crowd. I played sports. I was from an

00:28:44.000 --> 00:28:48.000
all-American, small, hard-working, blue-collar town.

00:28:48.000 --> 00:28:52.000
Looking back on it, this logic absolutely disgusts me, but

00:28:52.000 --> 00:28:56.000
I suppose it was part of the process. I always thought to myself,

00:29:00.000 --> 00:29:04.000
had a real girlfriend until my senior year of high school, and that only lasted a month.

00:29:04.000 --> 00:29:08.000
Beyond that, I would do what was necessary for the formal events, and secure

00:29:08.000 --> 00:29:12.000
a date for Prom and homecoming, but nothing ever went farther.

00:29:12.000 --> 00:29:16.000
I did start to experiment with a buddy of mine in high school. That was

00:29:16.000 --> 00:29:20.000
fun. Answered a whole lot of questions.

00:29:20.000 --> 00:29:24.000
But it was just our little secret,

00:29:24.000 --> 00:29:28.000
and as right as that felt, I still thought to myself, 'no, that just can't be.

00:29:28.000 --> 00:29:32.000
Then there was college. I mean, who doesn't experiment in college, right?

00:29:32.000 --> 00:29:36.000
laughter

00:29:36.000 --> 00:29:40.000
In my twenties, I was fortunate enough to spend

00:29:40.000 --> 00:29:44.000
seven years in professional baseball. I got paid to travel the country and

00:29:44.000 --> 00:29:48.000
visit some of the greatest cities that we have to offer. Now, coming from a 

00:29:48.000 --> 00:29:52.000
small town, seeing an actual gay scene was pretty overwhelming at times.

00:29:52.000 --> 00:29:56.000
Granted, I was still in the closet and hadn't fully accepted

00:29:56.000 --> 00:29:60.000
things for myself at that point in time, so I was always very cautious whenever

00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:04.000
I would venture out. I was so cared of being outed

00:30:04.000 --> 00:30:08.000
while I was in baseball. I didn't think that the subculture behind the scenes

00:30:08.000 --> 00:30:12.000
of the game would be very accepting. Turns out,

00:30:12.000 --> 00:30:16.000
I was wrong and they really don't care. But at the time I didn't know that.

00:30:16.000 --> 00:30:20.000
Life on the road offered a certain anonymity.

00:30:20.000 --> 00:30:24.000
So, going out and exploring just seemed like

00:30:24.000 --> 00:30:28.000
the logical thing to do, but there were several challenges with that during those days.

00:30:28.000 --> 00:30:32.000
It's kind of like comparing the years before Christ and after

00:30:32.000 --> 00:30:36.000
his death. These were the days before Grindr, kids.

00:30:36.000 --> 00:30:38.000
laughter

00:30:38.000 --> 00:30:44.000
Can you imagine I had to do things like go on Craigslist and actually talk to people?

00:30:44.000 --> 00:30:47.000
laughter

00:30:47.000 --> 00:30:52.000
In the meantime, I still did what I thought I was supposed to do.

00:30:52.000 --> 00:30:56.000
I met a lovely young lady. We got married, for six years, in fact.

00:30:56.000 --> 00:30:60.000
I didn't intentionally mislead her. I really, really

00:31:00.000 --> 00:31:04.000
tried. I was hesitant to father a child,

00:31:04.000 --> 00:31:08.000
but I had put it off for as long as I absolutely could.

00:31:08.000 --> 00:31:12.000
And I ended up convincing myself that this will fix it.

00:31:12.000 --> 00:31:16.000
Well, one beautiful son later, it didn't fix it at all.

00:31:16.000 --> 00:31:20.000
She wanted a second child. I was even

00:31:20.000 --> 00:31:24.000
more hesitant than the first time, but, again, finally came around,

00:31:24.000 --> 00:31:28.000
convincing myself with the logic: 'this will surely fix it.

00:31:28.000 --> 00:31:32.000
When she told me she was pregnant with our second, it hit me

00:31:32.000 --> 00:31:36.000
like a ton of bricks. I went to a very dark place

00:31:36.000 --> 00:31:40.000
inside my own head. I'm ashamed to admit, but

00:31:40.000 --> 00:31:44.000
I self-medicated with alcohol for a period of time and struggled with depression.

00:31:44.000 --> 00:31:48.000
She eventually left me, and all

00:31:48.000 --> 00:31:52.000
that time to myself allowed me to do a lot of soul-searching and some thinking.

00:31:52.000 --> 00:31:56.000
And then I realized. You know, once I

00:31:56.000 --> 00:31:60.000
stopped trying to fix something that's not broke, and just deal with it,

00:32:00.000 --> 00:32:04.000
it got a lot better. Not easier, but better.

00:32:04.000 --> 00:32:08.000
So this started my coming-out process.

00:32:08.000 --> 00:32:12.000
I told those around me that I felt deserved and needed to hear it from me.

00:32:12.000 --> 00:32:16.000
This included my wife that I was now separated from,

00:32:16.000 --> 00:32:20.000
friends, family members, and some coworkers.

00:32:20.000 --> 00:32:24.000
One of the biggest things was that I stopped denying it and running from it and hiding from it.

00:32:24.000 --> 00:32:28.000
This whole coming out process happened to take place

00:32:28.000 --> 00:32:32.000
during that second pregnancy. Unfortunately, at the end

00:32:32.000 --> 00:32:36.000
of that pregnancy, we lost our son. He was stillborn after

00:32:36.000 --> 00:32:40.000
he was carried full-term. As you can imagine,

00:32:40.000 --> 00:32:44.000
that was completely devastating, but looking back on it

00:32:44.000 --> 00:32:48.000
I think it was a blessing in disguise.

00:32:48.000 --> 00:32:52.000
This allowed us an opportunity to support each other at a very great time of need.

00:32:52.000 --> 00:32:56.000
As a result now, we're closer than we ever were as a couple.

00:32:56.000 --> 00:32:60.000
We have an amazing co-parenting relationship for our surviving son.

00:33:00.000 --> 00:33:04.000
So at the end of the day, what can I say?

00:33:04.000 --> 00:33:08.000
I may have ben late to the party but I am here now.

00:33:08.000 --> 00:33:12.000
I'm an openly gay police officer who was promoted to the rank of sergeant after

00:33:12.000 --> 00:33:16.000
I came out. Thank you.

00:33:16.000 --> 00:33:20.000
As I look back on all

00:33:20.000 --> 00:33:24.000
of this, I realize that the most beautiful part of this whole journey

00:33:24.000 --> 00:33:28.000
has been the process itself. First, I accepted my

00:33:28.000 --> 00:33:32.000
truth, and that was when I finally admitted it to myself, and looking back

00:33:32.000 --> 00:33:36.000
I realize that I was the hardest person to come out to.

00:33:36.000 --> 00:33:40.000
Second, I owned my truth. I stopped running from it, and

00:33:40.000 --> 00:33:44.000
I stopped hiding from it. And, finally, I now live my truth.

00:33:44.000 --> 00:33:46.000
And I wouldn't have it any other way. Thank you.

00:33:46.000 --> 00:33:50.000
applause

00:33:50.000 --> 00:33:54.000
music

00:33:54.000 --> 00:33:60.000
The scene starts on a brisk and sunny morning in March, in New York City.

00:34:04.000 --> 00:34:08.000
birth of almost arriving on the FDR, I also came out physically

00:34:08.000 --> 00:34:12.000
before I came out mentally. I was raised in a very

00:34:12.000 --> 00:34:16.000
unique household, on a small island on the Pacific ocean.

00:34:16.000 --> 00:34:20.000
I was raised with the natives would call 'aloha.

00:34:20.000 --> 00:34:24.000
My parents are not your typical folks. My father, the New Yorker,

00:34:24.000 --> 00:34:28.000
the product of the 1960s and 70s, was raised by the

00:34:28.000 --> 00:34:32.000
conservative arms of Judaism, and my mom,

00:34:32.000 --> 00:34:36.000
the Japanese immigrant from the small town of Kawagoe, raised

00:34:36.000 --> 00:34:40.000
with Buddhist traditions, left at the age of 25

00:34:40.000 --> 00:34:44.000
not speaking a word of English, in the search for her true identity.

00:34:44.000 --> 00:34:48.000
They raised me in a diverse way,

00:34:48.000 --> 00:34:52.000
where I was able to mold myself, grow myself, and

00:34:52.000 --> 00:34:56.000
become something of myself. Sometimes that got me into a lot

00:34:56.000 --> 00:34:60.000
of trouble. In some ways, you could say that I hid my identity

00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:04.000
more from myself than others.

00:35:04.000 --> 00:35:08.000
I was the hardest person to come out with. I grew up knowing from my parents

00:35:08.000 --> 00:35:12.000
that it would be okay if I was...different.

00:35:12.000 --> 00:35:16.000
I was never forced to pick the gender-specific toys or clothing at the store

00:35:16.000 --> 00:35:20.000
and everything I owned was green. Now that I think about it,

00:35:20.000 --> 00:35:24.000
I don't even think I understand the concept of gender.

00:35:24.000 --> 00:35:28.000
Life in Hawaii was a lot different than the rest of the US.

00:35:28.000 --> 00:35:32.000
It's a lot more relaxed, unforced, and accepting of

00:35:32.000 --> 00:35:36.000
others' individualities, because they're your ohana.

00:35:36.000 --> 00:35:40.000
Also, when you're given the opportunity to

00:35:40.000 --> 00:35:44.000
grow up on the island, you don't need to think about sexuality, because

00:35:44.000 --> 00:35:48.000
the beaches were our significant others, and the ocean never judged us

00:35:48.000 --> 00:35:52.000
for our appearances. High school hit, and that's

00:35:52.000 --> 00:35:56.000
where I dissociated from the world and started to subconsciously understand

00:35:56.000 --> 00:35:60.000
what sexual attraction actually was. You see, my

00:36:00.000 --> 00:36:04.000
adolescent past hid my identity really well.

00:36:04.000 --> 00:36:08.000
With drugs, addiction, and fiction, of course.

00:36:08.000 --> 00:36:12.000
But then I started to fall for my best friend.

00:36:12.000 --> 00:36:16.000
She accepted and stood by me through all my flaws that included

00:36:16.000 --> 00:36:20.000
my juvenile ways. I didn't appreciate it

00:36:20.000 --> 00:36:24.000
until college arrived in 2010, but I was off to New York City

00:36:24.000 --> 00:36:28.000
and our paths had ended. You see,

00:36:28.000 --> 00:36:32.000
for me, coming out was never a shock for anyone. For example,

00:36:32.000 --> 00:36:36.000
when I came out to my brother, he went, 'well, duh.

00:36:36.000 --> 00:36:40.000
Now do something with your life.

00:36:40.000 --> 00:36:44.000
I moved to New York City

00:36:44.000 --> 00:36:48.000
for two reasons: for me to spend time with my aunt, and

00:36:48.000 --> 00:36:52.000
for me to become something of myself. The two reasons

00:36:52.000 --> 00:36:56.000
on why I moved to New York City intertwined. You see, moving in with

00:36:56.000 --> 00:36:60.000
my aunt taught me that being queer is not about who you love,

00:37:00.000 --> 00:37:04.000
it's about loving yourself and being more than okay with who you are.

00:37:04.000 --> 00:37:08.000
Although I leanred to not identify with my sexuality,

00:37:08.000 --> 00:37:12.000
I knew that I loved women more than men, and

00:37:12.000 --> 00:37:16.000
you could say that after hearing my story, there was no conflict and that I

00:37:16.000 --> 00:37:20.000
was the biggest critic in the process, but the cliffhanger that

00:37:20.000 --> 00:37:24.000
we face is that there shouldn't even be a battle other than having

00:37:24.000 --> 00:37:28.000
to learn to accept ourselves, because the biggest struggles that we

00:37:28.000 --> 00:37:32.000
as college students still face, is who we decide

00:37:32.000 --> 00:37:36.000
to become in the future. There is enough anger, bigotry, and evil

00:37:36.000 --> 00:37:40.000
in this world, and we don't need to add to it. It's important

00:37:40.000 --> 00:37:42.000
it shouldn't rule over our lives.

00:37:42.000 --> 00:37:45.000
applause

00:37:45.000 --> 00:37:48.000
music

00:37:48.000 --> 00:37:52.000
My phone started to ring. Usually I don't even look at the

00:37:52.000 --> 00:37:56.000
screen on my phone if I'm driving, but that day was different.

00:37:56.000 --> 00:37:60.000
I lowered the volume on the radio and answered it. It was my doctor's office.

00:38:00.000 --> 00:38:04.000
They had my results. I'd been waking up in cold sweats

00:38:04.000 --> 00:38:08.000
and bleeding randomly, so I went in to get checked out. 'We have your results,'

00:38:08.000 --> 00:38:12.000
the woman said. 'We need you to come into the office today.

00:38:12.000 --> 00:38:16.000
I was annoyed and scared at the same time. I told her, 'I can't

00:38:16.000 --> 00:38:20.000
be missing work, is there a way I can just reschedule an appointment?'

00:38:20.000 --> 00:38:24.000
She said 'let me check with the doctor. There was a pause. She came back on.

00:38:32.000 --> 00:38:36.000
you don't know what's going on. My first honest to God thought was,

00:38:40.000 --> 00:38:44.000
who needs to think the worst case scenario, think the worst thing possible

00:38:44.000 --> 00:38:48.000
that can happen, so when it turns out to be herpes, I'll be happy.

00:38:48.000 --> 00:38:52.000
I'll be happy that at least it wasn't AIDS.

00:38:52.000 --> 00:38:56.000
I was just sitting in the examination room in silence.

00:38:56.000 --> 00:38:60.000
I tried not to think. I didn't want to think

00:39:00.000 --> 00:39:04.000
or presume anything. I just sat there and waited. I hate waiting in

00:39:04.000 --> 00:39:08.000
doctor's offices. There was a very light knock on the door.

00:39:08.000 --> 00:39:12.000
That's another thing. Why the hell do they knock? They know I'm there,

00:39:12.000 --> 00:39:16.000
I'm not going anywhere. Are they afraid that they're going to

00:39:16.000 --> 00:39:20.000
walk in in the middle of something? My doctor's name is Faith.

00:39:20.000 --> 00:39:24.000
This was taking too long.

00:39:24.000 --> 00:39:28.000
I was tired of the pleasantries. I just wanted the results. I asked her,

00:39:32.000 --> 00:39:36.000
bullshit me. Just tell me what's going on. Please, just tell me.

00:39:36.000 --> 00:39:40.000
Time started to slow down. 'Okay,' she said.

00:39:48.000 --> 00:39:52.000
The word is not very positive.

00:39:52.000 --> 00:39:56.000
Thoughts started rushing through my mind. What the hell is Hepatitis C? What will

00:39:56.000 --> 00:39:60.000
it do to me? Then Faith says 'and. That word 'and'

00:40:00.000 --> 00:40:04.000
feels heavy, like someone stepping on my chest slowly.

00:40:04.000 --> 00:40:08.000
The fucking 'and' is choking me. I know what she's going to say.

00:40:08.000 --> 00:40:12.000
But I don't want to listen. Somewhere else, I see myself standing outside.

00:40:12.000 --> 00:40:16.000
I don't want to be there. I don't want to be in that room. I don't want to be me.

00:40:16.000 --> 00:40:20.000
Why can't I be somewhere else? Why can't this happen to somebody else?

00:40:20.000 --> 00:40:24.000
She continues.

00:40:28.000 --> 00:40:32.000
I was screaming, but no sound came out. My mind was

00:40:32.000 --> 00:40:36.000
running and I could hear myself yelling 'how fucking stupid are you!?'

00:40:36.000 --> 00:40:40.000
Heated flashes of past experiences flew through my body.

00:40:40.000 --> 00:40:44.000
My mind was sprinting and I couldn't keep up. I kept falling. I don't know what

00:40:44.000 --> 00:40:48.000
to do. HIV positive. So that's the story I get to tell.

00:40:48.000 --> 00:40:52.000
That's what I get, right? that's what I get for caring, loving, having sex.

00:40:52.000 --> 00:40:56.000
Being stupid. I'm lost.

00:40:56.000 --> 00:40:60.000
Everything is destroyed. Everything's happening so fast. There are no tears.

00:41:00.000 --> 00:41:04.000
There's just nothing. My body numbs. I need to grab on

00:41:04.000 --> 00:41:08.000
to something, something that I know. Everything is burning but nothing's on fire.

00:41:08.000 --> 00:41:12.000
My mind starts to beg to any god that will hear me, 'help me!'

00:41:12.000 --> 00:41:16.000
But there's no reply. I'm sitting there in the doctor's office

00:41:16.000 --> 00:41:20.000
looking at Faith. The first words to come out of my mouth

00:41:20.000 --> 00:41:24.000
are 'wow. You have a really hard job.

00:41:24.000 --> 00:41:27.000
laughter

00:41:27.000 --> 00:41:32.000
Faith's face opens up. She stays sitting in front of me, but I can see her body

00:41:32.000 --> 00:41:36.000
jump back ever so lightly. She sits in her chair making no movement.

00:41:36.000 --> 00:41:40.000
Why do I care? I don't. I did and I didn't.

00:41:40.000 --> 00:41:44.000
A part of me wanted to know, how do you tell somebody this kind of news?

00:41:44.000 --> 00:41:48.000
What kind of preparation does one go through?

00:41:48.000 --> 00:41:52.000
All I can do is laugh. As my head turns away from her, I see a picture

00:41:52.000 --> 00:41:56.000
hanging on the wall of a smiling toucan. I burst into laughter.

00:41:56.000 --> 00:41:60.000
I laugh at myself for being stupid. I laugh at how simple the world seems at this moment.

00:42:00.000 --> 00:42:04.000
I felt alive. How do you feel alive? I just received the worst news of my life

00:42:04.000 --> 00:42:08.000
but for the first time I felt like I was living in the moment.

00:42:08.000 --> 00:42:12.000
I just laughed. Faith was shocked, and asked if I 

00:42:12.000 --> 00:42:16.000
needed time. I'm sure she thought I had lost it. I asked her to give me a moment

00:42:16.000 --> 00:42:20.000
to myself. She left the room and I continued to smiling at my tragedy.

00:42:20.000 --> 00:42:24.000
A few moments later, Faith knocked lightly on the door. She handed me

00:42:24.000 --> 00:42:28.000
information pamphlets. I needed to get my head on straight. I needed to focus.

00:42:28.000 --> 00:42:32.000
I understood that if I was going to fight back and stay alive, I needed to ask

00:42:32.000 --> 00:42:36.000
questions. What are my next steps? Do I see a specialist? Do I take

00:42:36.000 --> 00:42:40.000
medications now? Do I have an expiration date? She explained that

00:42:40.000 --> 00:42:44.000
I had an appointment with a specialist who can answer all my questions in a month.

00:42:44.000 --> 00:42:47.000
I thought to myself, a month? A month is too long! I want to talk to somebody today!

00:42:47.000 --> 00:42:52.000
Faith explained that getting information about my results would take time. The rest of the conversation

00:42:52.000 --> 00:42:56.000
was a blur. Now I understand why doctors knock on the door before coming in.

00:42:56.000 --> 00:42:60.000
silence

00:43:00.000 --> 00:43:04.000
After leaving the doctor's office, I needed to speak to somebody, but who?

00:43:04.000 --> 00:43:08.000
I had contact information from an HIV positive speaker who came to Western

00:43:08.000 --> 00:43:12.000
Oregon University. His name was Cree. Months ago,

00:43:12.000 --> 00:43:16.000
I wanted to go on a date wit him, but I had never gotten the courage to ask him out.

00:43:16.000 --> 00:43:20.000
Today I told him that I had recently become HIV positive and that I wanted to ask him questions.

00:43:20.000 --> 00:43:24.000
He agreed, and I was at his apartment in Portland. He greeted me

00:43:24.000 --> 00:43:28.000
with a warm hello, and he asked 'how long have you been positive?'

00:43:32.000 --> 00:43:36.000
found out today? Holy shit, Louie. I sat there with a blank look on my face. He asked,

00:43:40.000 --> 00:43:44.000
I smiled

00:43:44.000 --> 00:43:48.000
and I said 'a drink. He took me to a local gay bar called the Red Cap.

00:43:48.000 --> 00:43:52.000
We had a few drinks and I picked his brain and asked him tons of questions.

00:43:52.000 --> 00:43:56.000
He helped me understand what HIV positive meant. What a CD4 count is.

00:43:56.000 --> 00:43:60.000
A CD4 count is basically white blood cells in your system.

00:44:00.000 --> 00:44:04.000
White blood cells attack the virus and protect the body from the

00:44:04.000 --> 00:44:08.000
inside, but the HIV virus attacks your immune system. If your white blood

00:44:08.000 --> 00:44:12.000
cell count drops to 200 or below, you're considered to have

00:44:12.000 --> 00:44:16.000
AIDS, which stands for Acquired Immunodeficiency Syndrome. I was learning

00:44:16.000 --> 00:44:20.000
so much! I always thought AIDS was an actual virus, but Cree helped explain

00:44:20.000 --> 00:44:24.000
to me that HIV, Human Immunodeficient Virus, is a virus.

00:44:24.000 --> 00:44:28.000
AIDS is the status of the virus. Cree explained

00:44:28.000 --> 00:44:32.000
that when I go into the specialist, they are going to tell me my CD4 count,

00:44:32.000 --> 00:44:36.000
and my viroload. The viroload is how many copies of the HIV

00:44:36.000 --> 00:44:40.000
are in my body. He said 'you want your CD4 count to be at least

00:44:44.000 --> 00:44:48.000
to be 1000 or less. Next I would need to talk to my family.

00:44:48.000 --> 00:44:52.000
The people who mattered so much in my world. I'd have to come out

00:44:52.000 --> 00:44:56.000
to my parents a second time. So I decided I wanted to spend

00:44:56.000 --> 00:44:60.000
one last normal day with my family.

00:45:00.000 --> 00:45:04.000
It was Friday and everybody had plans to go out, but I told my family I had some

00:45:04.000 --> 00:45:08.000
great news to share with them before the end of the day. I wanted the day

00:45:08.000 --> 00:45:12.000
to be business as usual. I asked my middle sister to come with me

00:45:12.000 --> 00:45:16.000
to the laundromat because our dryer was broken. We sat

00:45:16.000 --> 00:45:20.000
there in the laundromat playing cards and talking about boys,

00:45:20.000 --> 00:45:24.000
something I never did with my sisters until now. I was enjoying every

00:45:24.000 --> 00:45:28.000
moment of just smiling and being with her. After laundry 

00:45:28.000 --> 00:45:32.000
we went back home and I enjoyed the day with my mom and dad. Dad was

00:45:32.000 --> 00:45:36.000
working on the dryer and I was helping and laughing.

00:45:36.000 --> 00:45:40.000
He would touch the wrong part of the dryer and get a sharp shock that sent me and my mom laughing.

00:45:40.000 --> 00:45:44.000
I remember sitting with my mom and helping her get ready

00:45:44.000 --> 00:45:48.000
to go out dancing.

00:45:48.000 --> 00:45:52.000
The whole time I just soaked it up; the simplicities that were my life.

00:45:52.000 --> 00:45:56.000
I knew after this conversation my world would change forever. For better or worse,

00:45:56.000 --> 00:45:60.000
I did not know, but it wasn't going to be like this, and I wanted my last

00:46:00.000 --> 00:46:04.000
normal day to be a good one. My family gathered in the living room

00:46:04.000 --> 00:46:08.000
and with a smile on my face I said, 'okay guys,

00:46:08.000 --> 00:46:12.000
I know I told you I had great news and I want to apologize. I actually don't

00:46:12.000 --> 00:46:16.000
have good news. But I'm going to explain as much as I can

00:46:16.000 --> 00:46:20.000
and I need you r love and support because I'm going through something

00:46:20.000 --> 00:46:24.000
pretty scary and I don't know what to do. I explained how I

00:46:24.000 --> 00:46:28.000
had been feeling sick and I didn't know what was going on so I had the doctor run

00:46:28.000 --> 00:46:32.000
some tests a few days ago, and they told me I have Hepatitis C,

00:46:32.000 --> 00:46:36.000
and that I'm HIV positive. Emotions poured out

00:46:36.000 --> 00:46:40.000
of me and I broke down. I cried for the first time since finding out.

00:46:40.000 --> 00:46:44.000
They hugged and held onto me and told me they loved me. I explained

00:46:44.000 --> 00:46:48.000
about my next appointment and how I wanted to get a book of questions 

00:46:48.000 --> 00:46:52.000
together and I wanted them to also write their questions, so we can all bring them

00:46:52.000 --> 00:46:56.000
to the doctor's office. I wanted them to come with me and they agreed.

00:46:56.000 --> 00:46:60.000
A month passed after finding out I was HIV positive. I finally got to see my

00:47:00.000 --> 00:47:04.000
OHU specialist, doctor Todd Cortheus. I walked into the room with my

00:47:04.000 --> 00:47:08.000
mom and dad and sat there with my little book of questions. Todd walked in

00:47:08.000 --> 00:47:12.000
and I told him I didn't want any bullshit. I'd been waiting for

00:47:12.000 --> 00:47:16.000
a month. I've done my research. First thing I want to know is my viroload,

00:47:16.000 --> 00:47:20.000
second is my CD4 count, and I want to know what the hell Hepatitis C is.

00:47:24.000 --> 00:47:28.000
Todd looked at me and said, 'alright, let's get this started. Your Hepatitis C

00:47:28.000 --> 00:47:32.000
came back false positive. Those words 'false positive'.

00:47:32.000 --> 00:47:36.000
Best fucking words in the English language, man.

00:47:36.000 --> 00:47:40.000
He then said,

00:47:52.000 --> 00:47:56.000
you have AIDS. I walked into this office hoping that the lowest count

00:47:56.000 --> 00:47:60.000
of white blood cells was going to be 500, and my doctor just told me I'm at 198.

00:48:00.000 --> 00:48:04.000
I also have thousands of copies of HIV

00:48:04.000 --> 00:48:08.000
running thorough my system. After about two minutes of crying, the doctor came over

00:48:08.000 --> 00:48:12.000
and said, 'let me have a look at you. He checked me out and said over and over

00:48:12.000 --> 00:48:16.000
again, 'you are a healthy young man, Louie. You have a loving family,

00:48:16.000 --> 00:48:20.000
you have high spirits, and overall your body is healthy.

00:48:20.000 --> 00:48:24.000
After, there were two months of continuous sadness

00:48:24.000 --> 00:48:28.000
and depression. I won't lie.

00:48:28.000 --> 00:48:32.000
Then one day,

00:48:32.000 --> 00:48:36.000
I looked into the mirror and thought, 'this isn't cute. Get up! Get your shit

00:48:36.000 --> 00:48:40.000
together and kick this HIV shit in the ass!' And I did.

00:48:40.000 --> 00:48:44.000
Since I became HIV positive almost ten years ago

00:48:44.000 --> 00:48:48.000
this November, I have been fighting to stay positive inside and out.

00:48:48.000 --> 00:48:52.000
I have been taking care of myself to the best of my abilities, and I am happy to say

00:48:52.000 --> 00:48:55.000
that my CD4 count is 800 and rising, and my viroload is

00:48:55.000 --> 00:48:57.000
undetected.

00:48:57.000 --> 00:48:66.000
applause

00:49:08.000 --> 00:49:12.000
Undetected, so when they test my blood for HIV, the system cannot identify enough

00:49:12.000 --> 00:49:16.000
HIV cells to make a count. I believe family, friends,

00:49:16.000 --> 00:49:19.000
and a life filled with laughter have helped me with this fight.

00:49:19.000 --> 00:49:21.000
And I will continue fighting.

00:49:21.000 --> 00:49:24.000
applause

00:49:24.000 --> 00:49:27.000
music

00:49:27.000 --> 00:49:32.000
I would like to come out and introduce myself as a straight female that is in love with

00:49:32.000 --> 00:49:36.000
the LGBTQ community. From the current

00:49:36.000 --> 00:49:40.000
lectures and readings that I've learned in my class, I consider myself

00:49:40.000 --> 00:49:44.000
as unfeminine in that I look and act like a tomboy.

00:49:44.000 --> 00:49:48.000
I am still learning new things from the LGBTQ

00:49:48.000 --> 00:49:52.000
community every day. I'd say about 80%

00:49:52.000 --> 00:49:56.000
of all my friends are either gay or lesbian, and two of them

00:49:56.000 --> 00:49:60.000
are my best friends that are lesbians.

00:50:00.000 --> 00:50:04.000
Because I don't have personal experience as being an aromantic lesbian,

00:50:04.000 --> 00:50:08.000
I would like to explain further my relationship with my friends

00:50:08.000 --> 00:50:12.000
and explain a new perspective of lesbians from a different environment.

00:50:12.000 --> 00:50:16.000
My first best friend has been my best friend

00:50:16.000 --> 00:50:20.000
since kindergarten. She lives in Hawaii and her ethnicity is

00:50:20.000 --> 00:50:24.000
Vietnamese and Chinese. One thing that I admire about her so much

00:50:24.000 --> 00:50:28.000
is that she matured at such a young age. Being that her parents

00:50:28.000 --> 00:50:32.000
couldn't speak much English when coming to America, and proving that

00:50:32.000 --> 00:50:36.000
they grew up living in the ghettos. She learned

00:50:36.000 --> 00:50:40.000
to live on her own at 16 years old and is still successful today.

00:50:40.000 --> 00:50:44.000
She found out that she was a lesbian during her middle school.

00:50:44.000 --> 00:50:48.000
It wasn't that much of an issue for her to express herself because

00:50:48.000 --> 00:50:52.000
her parents didn't really pay much attention to her.

00:50:52.000 --> 00:50:56.000
Throughout the years, I've dealt with experiences of her switching identities between

00:50:56.000 --> 00:50:60.000
bisexual and lesbian. She is now

00:51:00.000 --> 00:51:04.000
grown to be one hundred percent sure that she is a complete lesbian.

00:51:04.000 --> 00:51:08.000
My next best friend I met about five years

00:51:08.000 --> 00:51:12.000
ago. She is currently in a relationship with a

00:51:12.000 --> 00:51:16.000
guy but we both have a feeling that they don't really love each other.

00:51:16.000 --> 00:51:20.000
She would always tell me 'I can't do it.

00:51:20.000 --> 00:51:24.000
I'm just too much of a lesbian. She's just trying

00:51:24.000 --> 00:51:28.000
to deal with on her own and trying to enjoy her life. I grew up working

00:51:28.000 --> 00:51:32.000
in the bar scene with her, but we only became super close about three years ago.

00:51:32.000 --> 00:51:36.000
When I say that we got close, we literally spent every

00:51:36.000 --> 00:51:40.000
day with each other. Well. One night,

00:51:40.000 --> 00:51:44.000
we got pretty wasted and decided to try

00:51:44.000 --> 00:51:48.000
some sexual activity with each other. My other

00:51:48.000 --> 00:51:52.000
best friend was watching in amazement.

00:51:52.000 --> 00:51:56.000
Unfortunately, it was this day that we

00:51:56.000 --> 00:51:60.000
understood completely that I can not be a lesbian.

00:52:00.000 --> 00:52:04.000
I feel like I fit into the LGBTQ

00:52:04.000 --> 00:52:08.000
community so well. I've noticed a few

00:52:08.000 --> 00:52:12.000
differences here in Oregon and the community back home in Hawaii.

00:52:12.000 --> 00:52:16.000
A good example would be that it is okay for me to identify

00:52:16.000 --> 00:52:20.000
or call myself butchies or queers without them feeling offended.

00:52:20.000 --> 00:52:24.000
Because Hawaii is so diverse, with different cultures and different backgrounds,

00:52:24.000 --> 00:52:28.000
there's just less of a push for people to define their preferences.

00:52:28.000 --> 00:52:32.000
I'm currently having a difficult time finding friends out here, 

00:52:32.000 --> 00:52:36.000
and sometimes I feel like there's a confusion about whether I'm gay or not.

00:52:36.000 --> 00:52:40.000
It brings me back to the idea that I dress and act unfeminine.

00:52:40.000 --> 00:52:44.000
I feel like I am being forcefully identified. It doesn't really

00:52:44.000 --> 00:52:48.000
matter how I am identified. I know that I will always be accepted by my

00:52:48.000 --> 00:52:52.000
friends back home for who I am. I've also met some

00:52:52.000 --> 00:52:56.000
lesbian and gay friends out here and I love going out clubbing with them

00:52:56.000 --> 00:52:60.000
because we work that dance floor.

00:53:00.000 --> 00:53:04.000
Overall, I'm just here because I want to learn as much as I can so 

00:53:04.000 --> 00:53:08.000
that I can pass that information down to my friends back home.

00:53:08.000 --> 00:53:12.000
applause

00:53:12.000 --> 00:53:14.000
music

00:53:14.000 --> 00:53:20.000
It started in the first grade. I practiced as much as I was allowed,

00:53:20.000 --> 00:53:24.000
went to camps, played on multiple teams at state, regional, and

00:53:24.000 --> 00:53:28.000
national levels. I dedicated my entire adolescence

00:53:28.000 --> 00:53:32.000
to earning a full-ride scholarship and having a successful collegiate 

00:53:32.000 --> 00:53:36.000
career. Success, to me, was being a starter, collecting honors,

00:53:36.000 --> 00:53:40.000
and ending my four years of NCAA

00:53:40.000 --> 00:53:44.000
eligibility on a high note as an 

00:53:44.000 --> 00:53:48.000
all-American. That was my dream.

00:53:48.000 --> 00:53:52.000
In the late 90s after countless recruiting trips and a freshman

00:53:52.000 --> 00:53:56.000
year at division one program, I was offered a full-ride

00:53:56.000 --> 00:53:60.000
closer to home at WOU, and a starting position, and

00:54:00.000 --> 00:54:04.000
a leadership role on the team. The season started out

00:54:04.000 --> 00:54:08.000
like every other, with grueling practices, weight training,

00:54:08.000 --> 00:54:12.000
watching film, and daily conditioning.

00:54:12.000 --> 00:54:16.000
I had great teammates. I lived with four of them, and we knew everything

00:54:16.000 --> 00:54:20.000
about each other: our athletic goals and achievements, family drama,

00:54:20.000 --> 00:54:24.000
academic direction, and love interests.

00:54:24.000 --> 00:54:28.000
When you're on a team you're part of an instant family, share 

00:54:28.000 --> 00:54:32.000
common interests and bond quickly. I thought everyone on the team

00:54:32.000 --> 00:54:36.000
felt this way. I was given athletic freedom from my

00:54:36.000 --> 00:54:40.000
coaches. I could call my own plays, decide when I subbed in and out

00:54:40.000 --> 00:54:44.000
at the game, and I shared my game strategies with ease.

00:54:44.000 --> 00:54:48.000
I felt like I was making steady process to achieving my goal of

00:54:48.000 --> 00:54:52.000
an all-American honor by senior year.

00:54:52.000 --> 00:54:56.000
My sophomore year my relationship with coaching

00:54:56.000 --> 00:54:60.000
staff started to change. I was still able to have my athletic freedom on the

00:55:00.000 --> 00:55:04.000
court, but off the court I grew uneasy.

00:55:04.000 --> 00:55:08.000
We had a successful season, winning our conference, and

00:55:08.000 --> 00:55:12.000
a bid to the NCAA tournament. We lost our first game

00:55:12.000 --> 00:55:16.000
on the road and didn't play well. We didn't meet our coach's

00:55:16.000 --> 00:55:20.000
expectations. That night we were restricted to our hotel

00:55:20.000 --> 00:55:24.000
as a punishment, even though many of our families

00:55:24.000 --> 00:55:28.000
flew in for the game. I roomed with the only other lesbian on the team,

00:55:28.000 --> 00:55:32.000
let's call her Amy.

00:55:32.000 --> 00:55:36.000
She wasn't out and came from a conservative religious family.

00:55:36.000 --> 00:55:40.000
I was out to my teammates but not yet to my family,

00:55:40.000 --> 00:55:44.000
and coaching staff. The head coach led us

00:55:44.000 --> 00:55:48.000
in the lord's prayer every game.

00:55:48.000 --> 00:55:52.000
So Amy and I only had each other to hang out with that night because of our

00:55:52.000 --> 00:55:56.000
restriction. Other players snuck out and broke a few team rules;

00:55:56.000 --> 00:55:60.000
rules that were constantly changing with our coach.

00:56:00.000 --> 00:56:04.000
I spent the evening soaking my sore body in the hot tub, and

00:56:04.000 --> 00:56:08.000
was with Amy when our coach roamed the hotel checking on us to make sure that we were all

00:56:08.000 --> 00:56:12.000
still in the hotel. When he saw us, he

00:56:12.000 --> 00:56:16.000
stood quietly above us in the hot tub, glared at us,

00:56:16.000 --> 00:56:20.000
shook his head, and walked away.

00:56:20.000 --> 00:56:24.000
We returned to our room, never acknowledging our interpretation

00:56:24.000 --> 00:56:28.000
of that interaction or how it felt.

00:56:28.000 --> 00:56:32.000
A short while later, there was a knock on the door. A couple teammates that snuck out returned

00:56:32.000 --> 00:56:36.000
intoxicated and wanted to drink more. I asked

00:56:36.000 --> 00:56:40.000
them to leave because I was still a little rattled from the interaction

00:56:40.000 --> 00:56:44.000
I just had with one of our coaches. They gave me a hard time and

00:56:44.000 --> 00:56:48.000
demanded that I drink beer with them, so I did. One beer.

00:56:48.000 --> 00:56:52.000
They left and I hid the can in the garbage.

00:56:52.000 --> 00:56:56.000
Our coach did room checks and found a few teammates

00:56:56.000 --> 00:56:60.000
passed out, and they were pissed.

00:57:00.000 --> 00:57:04.000
Knocking on on every one of our rooms, and barging in when we opened them.

00:57:04.000 --> 00:57:08.000
Our room was the last room to be inspected.

00:57:08.000 --> 00:57:12.000
They came in saying that most of the team was drunk and that I was probably the leader.

00:57:12.000 --> 00:57:16.000
It was such bullshit, because he saw me

00:57:16.000 --> 00:57:20.000
in the hot tub downstairs, flirting with my teammate.

00:57:20.000 --> 00:57:24.000
He asked me if I had been drinking, and I told

00:57:24.000 --> 00:57:28.000
him I had one beer. I was the only

00:57:28.000 --> 00:57:32.000
one who told the truth. He started to yell at me,

00:57:32.000 --> 00:57:36.000
and he grabbed my throat and he pushed me back on the bed.

00:57:36.000 --> 00:57:40.000
Amy started crying and told me to stay calm as she

00:57:40.000 --> 00:57:44.000
curled up in the corner. I saw red.

00:57:44.000 --> 00:57:48.000
I stood up and told him to never fucking touch me again.

00:57:48.000 --> 00:57:52.000
The assistant coaches grabbed my arms and pushed me back on the bed.

00:57:52.000 --> 00:57:56.000
He threw my jersey on my face, which was on the floor,

00:57:56.000 --> 00:57:60.000
and flipped a mattress from the frame, and was

00:58:00.000 --> 00:58:04.000
yelling at me that I was kicked off the team. We yelled at each other

00:58:04.000 --> 00:58:08.000
as I struggled to get loose from the other coaches and I followed

00:58:08.000 --> 00:58:12.000
him out of the room as he told me I was

00:58:12.000 --> 00:58:16.000
a sinner. I was ill, and he wouldn't have

00:58:16.000 --> 00:58:20.000
any of my kind on the team.

00:58:20.000 --> 00:58:24.000
It took us three days to travel back to WOU, and he refused to feed me

00:58:24.000 --> 00:58:28.000
for the duration. He never kicked anyone else off the team,

00:58:28.000 --> 00:58:32.000
and no one else stood up for me. The season was over.

00:58:32.000 --> 00:58:36.000
I was off the team and traumatized by such an aggressive 

00:58:36.000 --> 00:58:40.000
homophobic interaction with someone who was supposed to be

00:58:40.000 --> 00:58:44.000
my family.

00:58:44.000 --> 00:58:48.000
A few months later, the coaches' behavior was under scrutiny by the

00:58:48.000 --> 00:58:52.000
university. I started getting supportive calls from the Dean, who intervened.

00:58:52.000 --> 00:58:56.000
And I was selected to the all-American team

00:58:56.000 --> 00:58:60.000
two years earlier than my goal.

00:59:00.000 --> 00:59:04.000
That fucker was eventually fired and I finished out my eligibility with

00:59:04.000 --> 00:59:07.000
a new coach after taking a red shirt year.

00:59:07.000 --> 00:59:10.000
appluse

00:59:10.000 --> 00:59:13.000
music

00:59:13.000 --> 00:59:16.000
And then it happened.

00:59:16.000 --> 00:59:20.000
She was on the ground begging them to stop. 'Please,

00:59:20.000 --> 00:59:24.000
please just let me go home. And then it happened.

00:59:24.000 --> 00:59:28.000
She was there, head against the wall, crying.

00:59:32.000 --> 00:59:36.000
And then it happened. She was behind the school running,

00:59:36.000 --> 00:59:40.000
falling, begging 'please don't kick me again.

00:59:40.000 --> 00:59:44.000
Six years later and he can still hear her crying; the little girl he used to be.

00:59:44.000 --> 00:59:48.000
The lesbian that was beaten half to death behind her school,

00:59:48.000 --> 00:59:52.000
shoved against the bathroom walls, and pushed down the stairs.

00:59:52.000 --> 00:59:56.000
He is no longer afraid to walk around, and no longer

00:59:56.000 --> 00:59:60.000
fears for his life, but those bathroom walls, those empty parking lots.

01:00:00.000 --> 01:00:04.000
He knows what dark corners and even darker intentions

01:00:04.000 --> 01:00:08.000
can do to a thirteen year old girl, and he knows what they can do to him.

01:00:08.000 --> 01:00:12.000
He knows to watch his back on the street, and he knows better

01:00:12.000 --> 01:00:15.000
than to hold that beautiful girl's hand in his home town.

01:00:15.000 --> 01:00:20.000
Because loss can not be greater than when you have something to lose.

01:00:20.000 --> 01:00:24.000
No. No longer.

01:00:24.000 --> 01:00:28.000
We cannot live with our backs turned and our hearts closed.

01:00:28.000 --> 01:00:30.000
I am transgender. I am a man.

01:00:30.000 --> 01:00:33.000
applause

01:00:33.000 --> 01:00:37.000
music

01:00:37.000 --> 01:00:42.000
Writing my coming out story was a lot harder than I assumed it would be. 

01:00:42.000 --> 01:00:48.000
I wasn't okay with my sexuality for seventeen years. I spent my entire life in the closet,

01:00:48.000 --> 01:00:52.000
and I'll always regret that. Throughout my life, I dealt with internalized

01:00:52.000 --> 01:00:56.000
homophobia and self-hatred. I can't remember a time in the past where I didn't

01:00:56.000 --> 01:00:60.000
deny my true self. Most of my friends in high school were part of the queer

01:01:00.000 --> 01:01:04.000
community, and everyone believed that I was gay, and I always tried to convince them

01:01:04.000 --> 01:01:08.000
that I was straight which never worked. I honestly

01:01:08.000 --> 01:01:12.000
did not believe that I would be happy if I wasn't straight. By the time

01:01:12.000 --> 01:01:16.000
I was a senior in high school, I left that sad, seventeen year old

01:01:16.000 --> 01:01:20.000
closet and I came out. I'm not really sure why this was my

01:01:20.000 --> 01:01:24.000
breaking point, but there was this short, skinny, straight white boy with

01:01:24.000 --> 01:01:28.000
bad skin in my third period class that I thought was cute.

01:01:28.000 --> 01:01:32.000
Now I have thought boys were cute in the past, but I was always able to ignore

01:01:32.000 --> 01:01:36.000
those feelings. Not this time. I think because I was just

01:01:36.000 --> 01:01:40.000
tired of lying to myself, and I was lying to everyone I knew, my family

01:01:40.000 --> 01:01:44.000
my friends, even my dogs.

01:01:44.000 --> 01:01:48.000
And why? All I wanted was to be okay with myself.

01:01:48.000 --> 01:01:52.000
The first person I came out to was my best friend Martine Blank.

01:01:52.000 --> 01:01:56.000
We had our whole day planned. She came over in the morning and we made waffles.

01:01:56.000 --> 01:01:60.000
When I decided to come out to her I thought it would be easy. She comes from a pretty

01:02:00.000 --> 01:02:04.000
liberal Jewish household, so I wasn't really afraid of rejection.

01:02:04.000 --> 01:02:08.000
I spent most of the day trying to build up the courage to tell her, and 

01:02:08.000 --> 01:02:12.000
it was nerve-wracking. Then we were outside on my back porch and I said

01:02:16.000 --> 01:02:20.000
She then asked me if I was planning on telling other people, and I said

01:02:20.000 --> 01:02:24.000
I would just stop denying it. Even though I was out, I still wasn't okay with myself.

01:02:24.000 --> 01:02:28.000
I told myself that being pan wasn't that important

01:02:28.000 --> 01:02:32.000
to me. And it wasn't until college that that changed.

01:02:32.000 --> 01:02:36.000
The first time I kissed a boy was the summer before college. I'd just graduated

01:02:36.000 --> 01:02:40.000
high school and I moved to the exciting town of Monmouth, Oregon.

01:02:40.000 --> 01:02:44.000
The boy was some

01:02:44.000 --> 01:02:48.000
kid I met here and we talked for a while. I had his Snapchat,

01:02:48.000 --> 01:02:52.000
he had mine. It was true romance.

01:02:56.000 --> 01:02:60.000
Then he came over one night and we watched

01:03:00.000 --> 01:03:04.000
a movie. At the end of the night, he kissed me, and I kissed him back, and then he

01:03:04.000 --> 01:03:08.000
blocked me on Snapchat.

01:03:08.000 --> 01:03:12.000
I haven't seen him since.

01:03:12.000 --> 01:03:16.000
School finally started and I went to all the gay events. Every single

01:03:16.000 --> 01:03:20.000
one. I surrounded myself with the LGBTQ

01:03:20.000 --> 01:03:24.000
community and I felt a comfort around these people that I haven't really felt before.

01:03:24.000 --> 01:03:28.000
But something still wasn't right. People would ask me what my sexuality was,

01:03:28.000 --> 01:03:32.000
and I would say pan, but that title didn't really fit. I made multiple

01:03:32.000 --> 01:03:36.000
friends who use 'queer' as an identity, and at first queer seemed like an odd

01:03:36.000 --> 01:03:40.000
identity and I honestly didn't like it, but then one day it just clicked.

01:03:40.000 --> 01:03:44.000
I'd get asked the same old question of what I identified as, and I would say 'queer'.

01:03:44.000 --> 01:03:48.000
And I'm not sure why, but it felt right. One thing I've learned

01:03:48.000 --> 01:03:52.000
about this coming out process is that it's never really over.

01:03:52.000 --> 01:03:56.000
It just gets easier. Another thing I've learned is that being a part of this wonderful community

01:03:56.000 --> 01:03:60.000
has become a big part of my life. My identity doesn't

01:04:00.000 --> 01:04:04.000
define me, but it means a lot. I am honestly so much happier

01:04:04.000 --> 01:04:08.000
now that I have accepted myself. If I could give my closeted self some advice,

01:04:08.000 --> 01:04:12.000
it would be that no one really cares. Everyone already knows.

01:04:12.000 --> 01:04:16.000
And if someone does care, ignore them. Just be your true self.

01:04:16.000 --> 01:04:20.000
applause

01:04:20.000 --> 01:04:24.000
music

01:04:24.000 --> 01:04:28.000
I came out of the closet when I was nineteen.

01:04:28.000 --> 01:04:32.000
It was during a bad moment of my life, meaning I wasn't sure

01:04:32.000 --> 01:04:36.000
what I was doing with it. At that moment, I was studying something I didn't

01:04:36.000 --> 01:04:40.000
want to, accounting, lying a lot to my parents,

01:04:40.000 --> 01:04:44.000
and constantly pretending to be something else. In other words,

01:04:44.000 --> 01:04:48.000
I wasn't being honest with myself. Every time I'd find out

01:04:48.000 --> 01:04:52.000
the real version behind the lie, he would always say,

01:04:56.000 --> 01:04:60.000
The more I lied, the harder it was to keep it consistent with

01:05:00.000 --> 01:05:04.000
the paths of life. It got to a moment where I had to start telling the truth.

01:05:04.000 --> 01:05:08.000
All the lies and the stories I was telling everyone were messing with my head,

01:05:08.000 --> 01:05:12.000
and most important, I was becoming the lie I was telling everyone.

01:05:12.000 --> 01:05:16.000
At that moment, the truth was a subject so unknown for me,

01:05:16.000 --> 01:05:20.000
that I wasn't able to express it. Somehow,

01:05:20.000 --> 01:05:24.000
I knew I was gay, but what does that really mean?

01:05:24.000 --> 01:05:28.000
Just liking boys instead of girls? Mexico is a beautiful

01:05:28.000 --> 01:05:32.000
and diverse country. The indigenous roots, the food,

01:05:32.000 --> 01:05:36.000
the colors, dances, but in that diversity

01:05:36.000 --> 01:05:40.000
a man must be a man.

01:05:40.000 --> 01:05:44.000
I was raised Catholic, in a very Catholic environment,

01:05:44.000 --> 01:05:48.000
in a very Catholic school, with a pair of very Catholic parents.

01:05:48.000 --> 01:05:52.000
In all that, being gay was

01:05:52.000 --> 01:05:56.000
only being wrong. I was probably fifteen when my dad

01:05:56.000 --> 01:05:60.000
said to me what a homosexual was. In that moment, I was exploring

01:06:00.000 --> 01:06:04.000
feelings and the mystery of telling to another man, 'I love you.

01:06:04.000 --> 01:06:08.000
I was too young to really know what that meant. Besides,

01:06:08.000 --> 01:06:12.000
he lived in another city, and the only contact we had was

01:06:12.000 --> 01:06:16.000
contact between sweaty ears on the phone at two in the morning.

01:06:16.000 --> 01:06:20.000
One night, this guy called my house by accident around midnight.

01:06:20.000 --> 01:06:24.000
Big mistake. Worried about not waking up

01:06:24.000 --> 01:06:28.000
all my family, I found the phone and hung up.

01:06:28.000 --> 01:06:32.000
But the need of those weird new feelings made me call him again.

01:06:32.000 --> 01:06:36.000
I don't remember for how long we talked. I don't remember

01:06:36.000 --> 01:06:40.000
the things that we said to each other, but let's be real. Two teenagers

01:06:40.000 --> 01:06:44.000
discovering themselves past midnight, I'm pretty sure it wasn't any

01:06:44.000 --> 01:06:48.000
PG-13. I ended the call saying,

01:06:52.000 --> 01:06:56.000
place it wherever you want.

01:06:56.000 --> 01:06:60.000
Satisfied and ready to go to sleep, I looked at the phone

01:07:00.000 --> 01:07:04.000
screen to hit the end button, and when I saw the word

01:07:08.000 --> 01:07:12.000
Someone had been hearing everything. In that moment,

01:07:12.000 --> 01:07:16.000
my dad breaks into the room, takes the phone out of my hands, and

01:07:16.000 --> 01:07:20.000
my cell phone was on top of my desk, and walks out.

01:07:20.000 --> 01:07:24.000
As he closed the door, he just said 'go to sleep, and shut the door

01:07:24.000 --> 01:07:28.000
after me. The next morning, my dad

01:07:28.000 --> 01:07:32.000
knocks on my door, and without opening it, demands to meet me downstairs.

01:07:32.000 --> 01:07:36.000
He was in his truck waiting for me already by the

01:07:36.000 --> 01:07:40.000
time I got downstairs. He was quiet and upset.

01:07:40.000 --> 01:07:44.000
That's how I get the expressive look on my face sometimes.

01:07:44.000 --> 01:07:48.000
But he couldn't hold it for long, so he asked me,

01:07:56.000 --> 01:07:60.000
for a minute. 'Friends don't say those kinds of things

01:08:00.000 --> 01:08:04.000
to each other, Mario. And he wrapped up the conversation with silence again.

01:08:04.000 --> 01:08:08.000
He was driving nowhere,

01:08:08.000 --> 01:08:12.000
and suddenly he got onto the highway and exploded.

01:08:12.000 --> 01:08:16.000
speaking Spanish

01:08:16.000 --> 01:08:20.000
Are you a faggot or what? Are you a fag?

01:08:20.000 --> 01:08:24.000
Over and over again, louder every single time.

01:08:24.000 --> 01:08:28.000
The question was thunder in my mind. Am I?

01:08:28.000 --> 01:08:32.000
The fear, the no answer, the complication to say, 'Yes I

01:08:32.000 --> 01:08:36.000
am,' led me to just shrink and say 'no.

01:08:36.000 --> 01:08:40.000
After an hour or so of driving around, we came back home.

01:08:40.000 --> 01:08:44.000
Before leaving the truck, he said, 'you better go to your room.

01:08:44.000 --> 01:08:48.000
Or else I will tell your mom everything.

01:08:48.000 --> 01:08:52.000
Years passed and my dad never mentioned that situation again. When I was

01:08:52.000 --> 01:08:56.000
nineteen, it was time to do it right. The first idea was

01:08:56.000 --> 01:08:60.000
to explain to them that you are not a hooker or a puto,

01:09:00.000 --> 01:09:04.000
or a faggot. You are you. But the question

01:09:04.000 --> 01:09:08.000
was, who am I? I've been

01:09:08.000 --> 01:09:12.000
lying the most part of my life. So the day before

01:09:12.000 --> 01:09:16.000
telling them, I ran into the library looking for books that could help me to explain

01:09:16.000 --> 01:09:20.000
what it means to be gay to them, and to myself, too.

01:09:20.000 --> 01:09:24.000
I found the perfect book.

01:09:24.000 --> 01:09:28.000
Mom, dad, I'm gay.

01:09:28.000 --> 01:09:32.000
It was perfect.

01:09:32.000 --> 01:09:36.000
It had everything. Good answers to religious thinking, great explanations

01:09:36.000 --> 01:09:40.000
for this not being a choice. It had everything I needed.

01:09:40.000 --> 01:09:44.000
Now the question was, how do I tell them?

01:09:44.000 --> 01:09:48.000
By that moment I was a freshman in college. So, why not? I was going to make

01:09:48.000 --> 01:09:52.000
a powerpoint.

01:09:52.000 --> 01:09:56.000
laughter and applause

01:09:56.000 --> 01:09:60.000
I was going to make a lecture about what

01:10:00.000 --> 01:10:04.000
being gay means, and after that I would confess my sexuality to them.

01:10:04.000 --> 01:10:08.000
I called everyone to the TV room: my sisters, my mom, and my dad.

01:10:12.000 --> 01:10:16.000
I sat them in the living room, and just to add some more

01:10:16.000 --> 01:10:20.000
context to this story, two nights before this I got home drunk

01:10:20.000 --> 01:10:24.000
and passed the time away with weed. The drinking age in Mexico was

01:10:24.000 --> 01:10:28.000
eighteen, so I wasn't breaking the law, and they were very

01:10:28.000 --> 01:10:32.000
very upset. I started the whole performance

01:10:32.000 --> 01:10:36.000
connecting my computer to the TV, and started to talk. I covered everything.

01:10:36.000 --> 01:10:40.000
Biology, psychology, theology, and ended up the conversation saying,

01:10:52.000 --> 01:10:56.000
Everyone looked at me like I'd talked all this time in a different language.

01:10:56.000 --> 01:10:60.000
Silence filled the room, and my heart started

01:11:00.000 --> 01:11:04.000
sweating. My dad broke the silence and

01:11:04.000 --> 01:11:08.000
looked at me and asked, 'does this mean you are going to start dressing

01:11:08.000 --> 01:11:12.000
like a woman?' My mom followed that up

01:11:12.000 --> 01:11:16.000
by asking 'what does this mean?' My sisters were looking

01:11:16.000 --> 01:11:20.000
at me like they were bored, just waiting for the moment they could stand up and leave.

01:11:20.000 --> 01:11:24.000
I felt embarrassed. I realized that

01:11:24.000 --> 01:11:28.000
the plan didn't turn out like I wanted it to. We are not

01:11:28.000 --> 01:11:32.000
jumping in joy or even hating me because of this.

01:11:32.000 --> 01:11:36.000
Everyone was just looking at me, like nothing of what I'd just said was important.

01:11:36.000 --> 01:11:40.000
My mom hit the nail, as mothers always do.

01:11:40.000 --> 01:11:44.000
She asked me, 'do you need help?' It took me a lot of effort

01:11:44.000 --> 01:11:48.000
to say yes, but at the end I said it.

01:11:48.000 --> 01:11:52.000
The story doesn't end here. Realizing what it means to be gay,

01:11:52.000 --> 01:11:56.000
and what it means to be me is probably the hardest question of my life.

01:11:56.000 --> 01:11:60.000
It's still a work in progress. Knowing that, for the

01:12:00.000 --> 01:12:04.000
eyes of others I am a puto,

01:12:04.000 --> 01:12:08.000
a faggot, and many other labels

01:12:08.000 --> 01:12:12.000
that are not only hurtful, but also a foreign part

01:12:12.000 --> 01:12:16.000
of assuming who I am in this world. 

01:12:16.000 --> 01:12:20.000
After coming out to my family, the next thing was my friends, and then other

01:12:20.000 --> 01:12:24.000
people. Now you guys.

01:12:24.000 --> 01:12:28.000
My lecture wasn't very good, probably because in that moment I was pretending

01:12:28.000 --> 01:12:32.000
to understand more of that information than actually just living it.

01:12:32.000 --> 01:12:36.000
Many times I find myself afraid to say who I am

01:12:36.000 --> 01:12:40.000
out loud, under the mask of a silly guy who tries to like everyone.

01:12:40.000 --> 01:12:44.000
But there's also the type of days when I wake up and I

01:12:44.000 --> 01:12:48.000
just feel so gay. My heart just pumps

01:12:48.000 --> 01:12:52.000
with pride. I won't lie.

01:12:52.000 --> 01:12:56.000
Exposing myself to labels like puto,

01:12:56.000 --> 01:12:60.000
is a hard thing to do. Just last year,

01:13:00.000 --> 01:13:04.000
I lived with someone who used to call me faggot all the time.

01:13:04.000 --> 01:13:08.000
He found it funny. I guess, more than coming out

01:13:08.000 --> 01:13:10.000
to my family and other people, I'm still coming out to myself.

01:13:10.000 --> 01:13:16.000
I'm the people I've met, the friends I have, the lovers I've let go, the way I grow,

01:13:16.000 --> 01:13:20.000
as a member of my familia, and to be honest,

01:13:20.000 --> 01:13:24.000
I don't know if today I have the courage to answer the loud yells of my dad that day on the highway

01:13:24.000 --> 01:13:28.000
and say, 'yes, I am. But tonight I would like to say

01:13:32.000 --> 01:13:36.000
working on loving myself. That I might have probably come out of the closet

01:13:36.000 --> 01:13:40.000
of my sexuality but I'm still in the closet for some other aspects of my life.

01:13:40.000 --> 01:13:44.000
I've learned that the best help I can get is from the love and support that

01:13:44.000 --> 01:13:48.000
others give me. After writing all this I've realized there's no book

01:13:48.000 --> 01:13:52.000
or powerpoint that can explain the way I am, but only as I am

01:13:52.000 --> 01:13:56.000
incomplete, with flaws,

01:13:56.000 --> 01:13:60.000
gay, smart, charismatic and passionate, I will be able to enjoy life.

01:14:00.000 --> 01:14:04.000
That is not for knowing much about myself, or owning all the answers

01:14:04.000 --> 01:14:08.000
of all my problems, that I will feel better, but realizing

01:14:08.000 --> 01:14:12.000
and relishing the small things of charity that I can content and satisfy myself.

01:14:12.000 --> 01:14:16.000
Thank you very much

01:14:16.000 --> 01:14:18.000
applause

01:14:18.000 --> 01:14:22.000
music

01:14:22.000 --> 01:14:28.000
Coming out was a hell I never thought I would overcome. Before I knew who

01:14:28.000 --> 01:14:32.000
I was, besides being a black young woman, who was I?

01:14:32.000 --> 01:14:36.000
I spent time trying, searching, and

01:14:36.000 --> 01:14:40.000
seeking and understanding, because from what I knew

01:14:40.000 --> 01:14:44.000
growing up in a Christian household, the idea of anything that did not

01:14:44.000 --> 01:14:48.000
represent heterosexuality did not exist.

01:14:48.000 --> 01:14:52.000
So here I am. This young, black woman, who said

01:14:52.000 --> 01:14:56.000
I was heterosexual, but I did not understand why that did not

01:14:56.000 --> 01:14:60.000
feel right. One day at school, I was told

01:15:00.000 --> 01:15:04.000
by this girl in my class, 'it's okay to like girls. I was shocked

01:15:04.000 --> 01:15:08.000
and confused by what she said.

01:15:08.000 --> 01:15:12.000
What does she mean 'like girls?' So she went into detail.

01:15:12.000 --> 01:15:16.000
Through this gathered

01:15:16.000 --> 01:15:20.000
knowledge, I was able to say 'I am bisexual.

01:15:20.000 --> 01:15:24.000
Because after she explained sexuality to me, I did not want to be

01:15:24.000 --> 01:15:28.000
a lesbian. I wanted to be anything but a lesbian, and the

01:15:28.000 --> 01:15:32.000
only way to keep the truth from coming out was to lie about who I was.

01:15:32.000 --> 01:15:36.000
I didn't want my life to end, so I repressed myself.

01:15:36.000 --> 01:15:40.000
I dug myself into this dry dirt hole,

01:15:40.000 --> 01:15:44.000
digging myself deeper and deeper into it. I could see the

01:15:44.000 --> 01:15:48.000
top, but I dug myself in so deep I would have to fight my way out

01:15:48.000 --> 01:15:52.000
to the top. But I did no such thing.

01:15:52.000 --> 01:15:56.000
I watched as the dirt piled on top of me, beginning to suffocate me, beginning

01:15:56.000 --> 01:15:60.000
to silence me. I was losing the only light source

01:16:00.000 --> 01:16:04.000
I had. To fix everything, I got a boyfriend.

01:16:04.000 --> 01:16:08.000
Yes, the sweetest, kind gentleman.

01:16:08.000 --> 01:16:12.000
I felt blessed, because he saw me nothing less than

01:16:12.000 --> 01:16:16.000
a queen. But none of this changed how I buried myself.

01:16:16.000 --> 01:16:20.000
I prayed and I hoped that dating and having a boyfriend

01:16:20.000 --> 01:16:24.000
would change me into a straight girl.

01:16:24.000 --> 01:16:28.000
Hoping my truth would be that of something that

01:16:28.000 --> 01:16:32.000
complemented others. My boyfriend and I tried

01:16:32.000 --> 01:16:36.000
not once but twice to have sex with each other, which resulted

01:16:36.000 --> 01:16:40.000
in me bursting into tears before our clothes even came off.

01:16:40.000 --> 01:16:44.000
Through this, I needed a plan how to fix this.

01:16:44.000 --> 01:16:48.000
I had it. I would marry a man and

01:16:48.000 --> 01:16:52.000
never have sex with him, and never sleep in the same bed with him,

01:16:52.000 --> 01:16:56.000
and it would be perfect.

01:16:56.000 --> 01:16:60.000
Excited with my plan, I told my boyfriend

01:17:00.000 --> 01:17:04.000
and he replied 'so you want a guy roommate.

01:17:04.000 --> 01:17:08.000
My plan was shut down, and

01:17:08.000 --> 01:17:12.000
I tried to keep this up because I didn't want to hurt him, being that

01:17:12.000 --> 01:17:16.000
his last girlfriend broke up with him because she was a lesbian.

01:17:16.000 --> 01:17:20.000
So, yeah.

01:17:20.000 --> 01:17:24.000
But I couldn't be miserable anymore, so

01:17:24.000 --> 01:17:28.000
I took the first steps and I told my best friend, Felicia,

01:17:36.000 --> 01:17:40.000
Right before summer of 2010 started, I told my boyfriend

01:17:40.000 --> 01:17:44.000
that I'm a lesbian, and just a little back story with him: when I

01:17:44.000 --> 01:17:48.000
told him that I'm a lesbian he told me that I was going to hell,

01:17:48.000 --> 01:17:52.000
but the thing is, that wasn't coming out of a place of hate,

01:17:52.000 --> 01:17:56.000
it was coming out of a place of 'I feel for your soul and that you won't be

01:17:56.000 --> 01:17:60.000
protected. So fast forward, he invites me to his

01:18:00.000 --> 01:18:04.000
wedding. Him and his wife are beautiful, they're gorgeous, I love them as a couple.

01:18:04.000 --> 01:18:08.000
He messaged me and asked me if he could name his dog after me, and I said,

01:18:12.000 --> 01:18:16.000
She is this gorgeous chocolate lab

01:18:16.000 --> 01:18:20.000
named Lana, so I'm proud.

01:18:20.000 --> 01:18:24.000
So back to what I was saying. I told my boyfriend I'm a lesbian,

01:18:24.000 --> 01:18:28.000
and from there I slowly began to release myself from the hole

01:18:28.000 --> 01:18:32.000
I dug myself in. I began fighting my way to the top.

01:18:32.000 --> 01:18:36.000
It was hard. I struggled. The fight was not easy. I was

01:18:36.000 --> 01:18:40.000
not accepted by my family at first. My dad said I could be there

01:18:40.000 --> 01:18:44.000
but my sexuality was not welcome. It pained me

01:18:44.000 --> 01:18:48.000
and I wanted to quit, and I wanted to give up, but I kept fighting.

01:18:48.000 --> 01:18:52.000
Slowly, I started to see the light again. Covered in dirt,

01:18:52.000 --> 01:18:56.000
tired, I could see light. I could hear more than the silence that

01:18:56.000 --> 01:18:60.000
surrounded me. I could breathe. I was free to be Alana

01:19:00.000 --> 01:19:03.000
Gabriel Rudolph, the cisgender, femme, black lesbian

01:19:03.000 --> 01:19:05.000
who was a queen.

01:19:05.000 --> 01:19:08.000
appplause

01:19:08.000 --> 01:19:13.000
music

01:19:13.000 --> 01:19:16.000
I have two homes. One home is freedom,

01:19:16.000 --> 01:19:20.000
the other, my heart. Sometimes I often wondered which one

01:19:20.000 --> 01:19:24.000
was which. I was born deaf. I was introduced to the Deaf community

01:19:24.000 --> 01:19:28.000
at the age of ten. My parents told me that it was the hardest and scariest

01:19:28.000 --> 01:19:32.000
decision that they had ever made for me, but it was definitely the right one.

01:19:32.000 --> 01:19:36.000
From the age of ten, I was introduced

01:19:36.000 --> 01:19:40.000
to positive Deaf role models. All of my friends

01:19:40.000 --> 01:19:44.000
and dorm parents were Deaf. The majority of the teachers

01:19:44.000 --> 01:19:48.000
and the classmates, all of them came from Deaf families too.

01:19:48.000 --> 01:19:52.000
So everyone signed. Of course, my language acquisition 

01:19:52.000 --> 01:19:56.000
took off and I flourished.

01:19:56.000 --> 01:19:60.000
That community really was my home away from home.

01:20:00.000 --> 01:20:04.000
It was my parents' decision to have me

01:20:04.000 --> 01:20:08.000
go to the school for the Deaf, where I got an education and I got

01:20:08.000 --> 01:20:12.000
community, and I love and thank them for that. I'm also gay.

01:20:12.000 --> 01:20:16.000
I came out to my family at a very young age.

01:20:16.000 --> 01:20:20.000
At the age of 17 I decided that I wanted to

01:20:20.000 --> 01:20:24.000
be openly gay. My being gay was never a big deal

01:20:24.000 --> 01:20:28.000
to my parents, but my being openly gay gave them pause. They were concerned

01:20:28.000 --> 01:20:31.000
about my safety, when that was really considered normal because at the time,

01:20:31.000 --> 01:20:36.000
rape, beating was common among people who were gay

01:20:36.000 --> 01:20:40.000
unfortunately. So they didn't want me to become a statistic.

01:20:40.000 --> 01:20:44.000
They taught me how to protect myself, and how

01:20:44.000 --> 01:20:48.000
to respond if provoked.

01:20:48.000 --> 01:20:52.000
My mom explained to me that if I wanted to come out, then I needed to be prepared

01:20:52.000 --> 01:20:56.000
for both amazing responses, but also some ugliness that I may face.

01:20:56.000 --> 01:20:60.000
My father wanted to be sure that I was just prepared to face the world.

01:21:00.000 --> 01:21:03.000
So, yes, I came out.

01:21:03.000 --> 01:21:08.000
Where I was from, being gay and being deaf needed to be kept separate,

01:21:08.000 --> 01:21:12.000
because otherwise it could really limit your opportunities. And that all changed

01:21:12.000 --> 01:21:16.000
in the blink of an eye when I went to Galavant University. It's a Deaf

01:21:16.000 --> 01:21:20.000
University in Washington, DC. It has approximately two to three thousand deaf students.

01:21:20.000 --> 01:21:24.000
It's basically a Deaf mecha. My second day there,

01:21:24.000 --> 01:21:28.000
I was 18, and I went to new student orientation.

01:21:28.000 --> 01:21:32.000
We all gathered in the gym; it was about

01:21:32.000 --> 01:21:36.000
three hundred freshmen, all deaf. We had an icebreaker game that we

01:21:36.000 --> 01:21:40.000
played. The game involved

01:21:40.000 --> 01:21:44.000
being presented with two choices; for example do you like ice cream or do you like pie.

01:21:44.000 --> 01:21:48.000
Then we separated ourselves to one side or the other side of the gym based on

01:21:48.000 --> 01:21:52.000
the choice, so imagine two to three hundred deaf, screaming freshmen running around, laughing.

01:21:52.000 --> 01:21:56.000
Finally the next question came up and the gentleman said, 'everyone who's gay

01:21:56.000 --> 01:21:60.000
on this side, everyone who's straight on that side. I knew I was gay so I ran immediately

01:22:00.000 --> 01:22:04.000
to the gay side, and stood there as I watched everyone run away

01:22:04.000 --> 01:22:08.000
to the opposite side of the gym. I was standing alone on the gay side,

01:22:08.000 --> 01:22:12.000
and everyone was staring at me. It didn't help that, at the time,

01:22:12.000 --> 01:22:16.000
my hair was neon pink. So I stood there

01:22:16.000 --> 01:22:20.000
a little flabbergasted, didn't know what to do. The game stopped immediately

01:22:20.000 --> 01:22:24.000
and it was awkward. I felt quite embarrassed being the only one.

01:22:24.000 --> 01:22:28.000
I left feeling a bit deflated from that experience.

01:22:28.000 --> 01:22:32.000
Immediately, though, a drag queen on campus took me under

01:22:32.000 --> 01:22:36.000
her wing, and showed me the ropes, showed me all the gay

01:22:36.000 --> 01:22:40.000
slang in ASL, showed me where

01:22:40.000 --> 01:22:44.000
the gay nightlife was, and really opened my world to the gay community.

01:22:44.000 --> 01:22:48.000
I'm very, very grateful to those who

01:22:48.000 --> 01:22:52.000
did introduce me to the Deaf gay community and I was able to go to 

01:22:52.000 --> 01:22:56.000
drag shows, to gay bars, and also, fortunately,

01:22:56.000 --> 01:22:60.000
to see the homophobia that was present in the world.

01:23:00.000 --> 01:23:04.000
Time went by, and I ended up moving to Portland, Oregon.

01:23:04.000 --> 01:23:08.000
I finally felt welcomed by

01:23:08.000 --> 01:23:12.000
the Deaf community, and in the Deaf community here in

01:23:12.000 --> 01:23:16.000
Portland, no one really cares what you do.

01:23:16.000 --> 01:23:20.000
Here in Portland, as long as you're Deaf, everything else comes

01:23:20.000 --> 01:23:24.000
second. So finally in Portland I

01:23:24.000 --> 01:23:28.000
felt at home, and really, really treasured

01:23:28.000 --> 01:23:32.000
that. Portland is home. Thank you.

01:23:32.000 --> 01:23:37.000
music

01:23:37.000 --> 01:23:40.000
My dad is an angry, aggressive man

01:23:40.000 --> 01:23:44.000
who I was scared of my entire life.

01:23:44.000 --> 01:23:48.000
Now, he's an angry, aggressive, hardcore biblethumper. So you can

01:23:48.000 --> 01:23:52.000
understand why, when at 19, he came home from church one day and demanded

01:23:52.000 --> 01:23:56.000
we talk. My heart instantly dropped in fear.

01:23:56.000 --> 01:23:60.000
We sat down and he took my hands and started praying, asking

01:24:00.000 --> 01:24:04.000
for strength to get through this trial of faith. Basically, my dad

01:24:04.000 --> 01:24:08.000
was asking Jesus to take the wheel.

01:24:08.000 --> 01:24:12.000
And I realized he knew.

01:24:12.000 --> 01:24:16.000
I didn't know how he knew, but he did.

01:24:16.000 --> 01:24:20.000
He pulled out a folded-up piece of paper and silently slid it across

01:24:20.000 --> 01:24:24.000
to me. I picked it up and was staring at a picture of me and my

01:24:24.000 --> 01:24:28.000
girlfriend of a year and a half kissing. He said he'd found it

01:24:28.000 --> 01:24:32.000
on his windshield that morning before church. Over the next

01:24:32.000 --> 01:24:36.000
two hours, a lot happened. After calling me a

01:24:36.000 --> 01:24:40.000
pussy-eating faggot, my dad grabbed his bible and

01:24:40.000 --> 01:24:44.000
planted it on my forehead, attempting to exorcise a demon from me.

01:24:44.000 --> 01:24:48.000
When that failed, my mother grabbed the bible and threw it at my head,

01:24:48.000 --> 01:24:52.000
barely missing. 'What are we going to tell everyone?

01:24:52.000 --> 01:24:56.000
How can we show our faces in church after this?

01:24:56.000 --> 01:24:60.000
Do you think you're not pretty? Why her?'

01:25:04.000 --> 01:25:08.000
That's the devil's work. I was given an ultimatum.

01:25:08.000 --> 01:25:12.000
The deal was, I would meet with our pastor three mornings

01:25:12.000 --> 01:25:16.000
a week and see a church counselor every weekday.

01:25:16.000 --> 01:25:20.000
I would no longer be able to go anywhere, see anyone, or do anything.

01:25:20.000 --> 01:25:24.000
I'd go to church every Sunday, and bible study every Wednesday.

01:25:24.000 --> 01:25:28.000
No phone, no internet, no friends.

01:25:28.000 --> 01:25:32.000
I'd never see my girlfriend again, never speak to her,

01:25:32.000 --> 01:25:36.000
never get into contact with her again. I'd block

01:25:36.000 --> 01:25:40.000
her number and repent.

01:25:40.000 --> 01:25:44.000
Or I could get the hell out immediately.

01:25:44.000 --> 01:25:48.000
My answer came without hesitation. I grabbed a bunch of

01:25:48.000 --> 01:25:52.000
trash bags and started throwing all my clothes inside, grabbing anything that

01:25:52.000 --> 01:25:56.000
looked even remotely necessary. Before throwing all my clothes inside,

01:25:56.000 --> 01:25:60.000
before I could finish my parents made me

01:26:00.000 --> 01:26:04.000
kneel in front of my eleven-year-old sister and tell her that I was choosing

01:26:04.000 --> 01:26:08.000
to abandon her so that I could be with my girlfriend.

01:26:08.000 --> 01:26:12.000
Telling her that lie was the worst thing I have ever done as a sister.

01:26:12.000 --> 01:26:16.000
As I threw myself in the bags,

01:26:16.000 --> 01:26:20.000
my sister came and held a bag open for me while she cried.

01:26:20.000 --> 01:26:24.000
She didn't want to leave my side.

01:26:24.000 --> 01:26:28.000
My mom swooped in and quickly snatched her away, yelling at her to stay 

01:26:28.000 --> 01:26:32.000
the hell away from me. I fought the tears, refusing to cry.

01:26:32.000 --> 01:26:36.000
I tossed all my bags into my car.

01:26:36.000 --> 01:26:40.000
I came in one last time to say goodbye. My dad had already

01:26:40.000 --> 01:26:44.000
taken off but my mom and sister were sitting on the couch.

01:26:44.000 --> 01:26:48.000
My sister was sobbing. My mom was on her phone with a

01:26:48.000 --> 01:26:52.000
look of hatred and disgust. I said goodbye to my sister

01:26:52.000 --> 01:26:56.000
and when we hugged, I felt like if we pulled away, I would never be

01:26:56.000 --> 01:26:60.000
okay again. My mom refused to look at me.

01:27:00.000 --> 01:27:04.000
I kissed her forehead anyway, and just as I stepped out the door, my sister

01:27:04.000 --> 01:27:08.000
yelled, 'wait!' and ran to her room, coming back with her favorite

01:27:08.000 --> 01:27:12.000
stuffed animal. She pushed it into my hands

01:27:12.000 --> 01:27:16.000
and finally, the tears started pouring from my eyes.

01:27:16.000 --> 01:27:20.000
I held her for along time as we both cried, while my mom

01:27:20.000 --> 01:27:24.000
yelled at her again. I drove away bawling.

01:27:24.000 --> 01:27:28.000
The next few months are a blur.

01:27:28.000 --> 01:27:32.000
I got an inspirational tattoo, dropped out of school,

01:27:32.000 --> 01:27:36.000
slept in a living room for six months, and drank until suicide

01:27:36.000 --> 01:27:40.000
was no longer a scary idea. I didn't talk to

01:27:40.000 --> 01:27:44.000
my family for months. I've never felt so

01:27:44.000 --> 01:27:48.000
completely alone in my entire life.

01:27:48.000 --> 01:27:52.000
But I got through. Every morning I looked in the mirror at my tattoo

01:27:52.000 --> 01:27:56.000
as I got ready for the day. It gets better.

01:27:56.000 --> 01:27:60.000
I repeated it over and over again preparing myself for the day.

01:28:00.000 --> 01:28:04.000
It gets better. I got a second job

01:28:04.000 --> 01:28:08.000
and went back to school. I found ways to secretly talk to my sister, and

01:28:08.000 --> 01:28:12.000
eventually got back in touch with my whole family.

01:28:12.000 --> 01:28:16.000
It's been one thousand, three hundred, and twenty five days since I was thrown

01:28:16.000 --> 01:28:20.000
out of the closet. I'm going to an amazing university

01:28:20.000 --> 01:28:24.000
nine hundred and fifty two miles from home. My girlfriend and I are

01:28:24.000 --> 01:28:28.000
still madly in love and are living together in our own apartment.

01:28:28.000 --> 01:28:32.000
I have a job, I have a car, I pay my

01:28:32.000 --> 01:28:36.000
tuition, and have a cat named Jax who's basically my son.

01:28:36.000 --> 01:28:40.000
I didn't get the opportunity to come out.

01:28:40.000 --> 01:28:44.000
Someone else did that to me, and

01:28:44.000 --> 01:28:48.000
to this day I still don't know who. But that's okay,

01:28:48.000 --> 01:28:50.000
because it got better.

01:28:50.000 --> 01:28:53.000
applause

01:28:53.000 --> 01:28:57.000
music

01:28:57.000 --> 01:28:60.000
I am not, nor have

01:29:00.000 --> 01:29:04.000
I ever been an exercise person.

01:29:04.000 --> 01:29:08.000
However, during the fall of my senior year here at Western,

01:29:08.000 --> 01:29:12.000
my boyfriend had dumped me, and I was committed

01:29:12.000 --> 01:29:16.000
to looking god when I saw him over Winter break. Plus, my

01:29:16.000 --> 01:29:20.000
friend Zoe had keys to the workout room we could access after hours.

01:29:20.000 --> 01:29:24.000
It used to be located under Valsetz. We worked in the residence

01:29:24.000 --> 01:29:28.000
halls where she was an RA coordinator. So that fall,

01:29:28.000 --> 01:29:32.000
and that fall only, I exercised. Several

01:29:32.000 --> 01:29:36.000
nights a week, Zoe and I would rock out, catch up, and get our sweat on.

01:29:36.000 --> 01:29:40.000
But then one night, our workout was interrupted by

01:29:40.000 --> 01:29:44.000
an interloper. A sophomore. This friend

01:29:44.000 --> 01:29:48.000
named Beck that she had invited was an athlete, and she

01:29:48.000 --> 01:29:52.000
knew stuff about exercise. I was

01:29:52.000 --> 01:29:56.000
not pleased. This was my Zoe time. I didn't want some stranger, some sophomore,

01:29:56.000 --> 01:29:60.000
barging in, and I didn't want to worry about how silly I looked

01:30:00.000 --> 01:30:04.000
in my exercise shorts. Plus, she was surly, and standoffish, 

01:30:04.000 --> 01:30:08.000
and grumpy. Okay, she didn't seem to like me,

01:30:08.000 --> 01:30:12.000
and back then I was all about people liking me.

01:30:12.000 --> 01:30:16.000
So after a couple of weeks of putting up with this intruder,

01:30:16.000 --> 01:30:20.000
Zoe got a page, and needed to push back to her dorm.

01:30:20.000 --> 01:30:24.000
A pager is a device we used to use before cell phones to contact

01:30:24.000 --> 01:30:28.000
one another.

01:30:28.000 --> 01:30:32.000
So I started to vacate my elliptical and follow her out, and she said,

01:30:36.000 --> 01:30:40.000
What!? I didn't want her leaving me here alone with

01:30:40.000 --> 01:30:44.000
HER. And off she went.

01:30:44.000 --> 01:30:48.000
Much to my amazement, left to our own devices, we did talk, laugh,

01:30:48.000 --> 01:30:52.000
exercise, have a good time, and enjoy ourselves.

01:30:52.000 --> 01:30:56.000
Fast forward a month, three three of us continued

01:30:56.000 --> 01:30:60.000
hanging out, exercising, watching 'Friends' together.

01:31:00.000 --> 01:31:04.000
And Zoe was leaving for a road trip, so back then I decided to

01:31:04.000 --> 01:31:08.000
make her something called a mix tape. A mix tape...

01:31:08.000 --> 01:31:12.000
laughter

01:31:16.000 --> 01:31:20.000
It's like a playlist, but it takes

01:31:20.000 --> 01:31:24.000
hours and dedication and dexterity, and a lot of

01:31:24.000 --> 01:31:28.000
skill to master.

01:31:28.000 --> 01:31:32.000
So Beck and I gathered in my apartment in Butler,

01:31:32.000 --> 01:31:36.000
and I put on a song and asked her to waltz with me.

01:31:36.000 --> 01:31:40.000
She said she didn't know how, so I had her stand up and taught her,

01:31:40.000 --> 01:31:44.000
and while we danced, the craziest thing happened.

01:31:44.000 --> 01:31:48.000
Full-body, toe-up convulsions.

01:31:48.000 --> 01:31:52.000
We call them butterflies, which sounds really gentle, and

01:31:52.000 --> 01:31:56.000
I was sure she could see, hear, feel what

01:31:56.000 --> 01:31:60.000
was happening to me. What was happening

01:32:00.000 --> 01:32:04.000
to me? I mean, you guys know what was happening to me,

01:32:04.000 --> 01:32:08.000
because...It's not called the straight monologues!

01:32:08.000 --> 01:32:12.000
Of course, what was happening to me, is that

01:32:12.000 --> 01:32:16.000
I was falling for her.

01:32:16.000 --> 01:32:20.000
I put an end to that real quick. We continued

01:32:20.000 --> 01:32:24.000
to talk and make the mix tape ad dance late into the night.

01:32:24.000 --> 01:32:28.000
And we continued growing our friendship over the coming days and weeks.

01:32:28.000 --> 01:32:32.000
A few months later after Winter break, where I saw my ex,

01:32:32.000 --> 01:32:36.000
and I looked good, and I stopped

01:32:36.000 --> 01:32:40.000
exercising, we continued

01:32:40.000 --> 01:32:44.000
though being friends, and

01:32:44.000 --> 01:32:48.000
that friendship progressed, and we kissed for the first time.

01:32:48.000 --> 01:32:52.000
Which was like, the world

01:32:52.000 --> 01:32:56.000
opened up and big band music, and fireworks.

01:32:56.000 --> 01:32:60.000
Like the movies.

01:33:00.000 --> 01:33:04.000
So we're heading to our morning class together, and

01:33:04.000 --> 01:33:08.000
in all seriousness I turned to her, and I'm like

01:33:12.000 --> 01:33:16.000
And she responded with a very matter-of-fact,

01:33:20.000 --> 01:33:24.000
laughter

01:33:24.000 --> 01:33:28.000
Wait a minute. The fate of what we would be to one another

01:33:28.000 --> 01:33:32.000
was going to be decided at Valsetz over Wild Willy White Bean

01:33:32.000 --> 01:33:36.000
Jelly? What was I going to wear?!

01:33:36.000 --> 01:33:40.000
As we sat there

01:33:40.000 --> 01:33:44.000
with our trays I was certain everyone around us could tell we had

01:33:44.000 --> 01:33:48.000
just made out. That feeling

01:33:48.000 --> 01:33:52.000
that I was sure everyone knew we were together

01:33:52.000 --> 01:33:56.000
rarely subsided. A few months later after spending the night together

01:33:56.000 --> 01:33:60.000
I looked over at her in the wee hours of the morning and said, 'but I don't

01:34:00.000 --> 01:34:04.000
feel gay.

01:34:04.000 --> 01:34:08.000
I'm not even sure what that would feel like, just that I was being sure that I

01:34:08.000 --> 01:34:12.000
felt true to myself. My heart, my soul,

01:34:12.000 --> 01:34:15.000
what I wanted.

01:34:15.000 --> 01:34:20.000
She's kind of blonde, she gazed black up at me and said 'well you aren't acting real freaking hetero.

01:34:20.000 --> 01:34:24.000
laughter

01:34:24.000 --> 01:34:28.000
Within ten days of our first kiss, she had told her mom.

01:34:28.000 --> 01:34:32.000
By contrast, it took me two and a half years to tell mine.

01:34:32.000 --> 01:34:36.000
Granted, mine lives two thousand miles away, but I knew that my parents

01:34:36.000 --> 01:34:40.000
would not welcome the news that I had fallen in love with a woman, and

01:34:40.000 --> 01:34:44.000
they wouldn't understand why, if I'm bisexual, I wouldn't choose

01:34:44.000 --> 01:34:48.000
to be with a man. Thankfully,

01:34:48.000 --> 01:34:52.000
my family of choice and the friends I surrounded myself with made it easier to be

01:34:52.000 --> 01:34:56.000
honest with them. Within a couple of weeks, I told a few people.

01:34:56.000 --> 01:34:60.000
No one freaked out, or burst into flames, or turned their backs

01:35:00.000 --> 01:35:04.000
on me, or any of the other things that I secretly feared.

01:35:04.000 --> 01:35:08.000
We didn't have Facebook back then, so I took my time rolling out the

01:35:08.000 --> 01:35:12.000
news to my whole circle. It took several years to tell some friends I'd known in high school,

01:35:12.000 --> 01:35:16.000
or growing up with. Even still people I thought might have the

01:35:16.000 --> 01:35:20.000
hardest time with it sometimes surprised me with their responses.

01:35:20.000 --> 01:35:24.000
While I can't say that I've never had a negative response

01:35:24.000 --> 01:35:28.000
to coming out to someone, that has been the rare exception.

01:35:28.000 --> 01:35:32.000
Coming out to myself was

01:35:32.000 --> 01:35:36.000
the most important first step. I still come out to

01:35:36.000 --> 01:35:40.000
others on a regular basis. When I write next of kin

01:35:40.000 --> 01:35:44.000
on a form at a new office or have to explain,

01:35:44.000 --> 01:35:48.000
no, she isn't my sister, or that we only need one bed

01:35:48.000 --> 01:35:52.000
for this night's stay in our hotel room, or when I

01:35:52.000 --> 01:35:56.000
correct people when they assume that 'married' means I have a husband.

01:35:56.000 --> 01:35:60.000
And yet, coming out

01:36:00.000 --> 01:36:04.000
matters. Here's why.

01:36:04.000 --> 01:36:08.000
I believe that when we are truthful,

01:36:12.000 --> 01:36:16.000
and brave about the circumstances

01:36:16.000 --> 01:36:20.000
of our own lives, we give others

01:36:20.000 --> 01:36:24.000
permission to do the same.

01:36:24.000 --> 01:36:28.000
In 1996,

01:36:28.000 --> 01:36:32.000
this was not a welcoming campus to safely

01:36:32.000 --> 01:36:36.000
share a kiss before class. So instead

01:36:36.000 --> 01:36:40.000
we'd wink and know that meant 'I want to kiss you.

01:36:40.000 --> 01:36:44.000
That was many apartments, jobs, cities,

01:36:44.000 --> 01:36:48.000
three dogs, a terminal illness,

01:36:48.000 --> 01:36:52.000
and twenty one years ago. We're still together.

01:36:52.000 --> 01:36:56.000
applause

01:36:56.000 --> 01:36:60.000
applause

01:37:00.000 --> 01:37:03.000
applause

01:37:03.000 --> 01:37:08.000
And I am stil not an exercise person.

01:37:08.000 --> 01:37:12.000
We were first married legally in the state of Oregon in 2004.

01:37:12.000 --> 01:37:16.000
The people then voted and

01:37:16.000 --> 01:37:20.000
annulled that marriage in 2005. We have been domestic partnered

01:37:20.000 --> 01:37:24.000
and married again since then, and I think this'll stick.

01:37:24.000 --> 01:37:28.000
I'm hoping. And tonight I am speaking where it all began.

01:37:28.000 --> 01:37:32.000
On Western's campus, at their

01:37:32.000 --> 01:37:36.000
second presentation of the Coming Out Monologues!

01:37:36.000 --> 01:37:40.000
applause

01:37:40.000 --> 01:37:44.000
After their first queer alumni event!

01:37:44.000 --> 01:37:48.000
applause

01:37:48.000 --> 01:37:52.000
What a long way we've come.

01:37:52.000 --> 01:37:56.000
applause

01:37:56.000 --> 01:37:60.000
applause

01:38:02.000 --> 01:38:06.000
music

01:38:06.000 --> 01:38:12.000
At this time I'd like to ask for the entire cast to come back up to the stage.

01:38:12.000 --> 01:38:16.000
Will you join me in thanking the cast of the 2017 Coming Out Monologues?

01:38:16.000 --> 01:38:20.000
applause

01:38:20.000 --> 01:38:24.000
applause

01:38:24.000 --> 01:38:28.000
applause

01:38:28.000 --> 01:38:30.000
applause